I feel as though by trusting people, I’m committing a fatal mistake. You would think that someone who loves you..would try their very best to not ever hurt you. At least that’s the way I am. That’s the way I thought it was. That’s the way I wish it was.
As much as I hate to realize, there are some people out there with delusional perceptions. People who say one thing and yet act another way. I confronted this person and all of the blame was immediately directed towards me. Not a sorry. Not one sense of guilt. Not even by seeing the look on my face… full of total disappointment. I’m not even sure of what’s worse anymore. The action itself… which devoured all of the remaining trust I had. Or the fact I actually wanted to believe in this person. Or in the reality that I actually believed.
Is life not about believing? Chasing something in which you believe. And I know failure is followed by the will to try again in hope of succeeding. But at what point is there a limit ..of changing ourselves to better our life in society. Shouldn’t people be themselves? Isn’t that what everyone is told? You’re too nice and you will get stepped on. You speak you’re mind and you’re a bitch. I’m a nice person. I like to believe that not all people are cruel, heartless, and selfish. I have some faith in humanity. I wear my heart on my sleeve.
Yet today, it seems as if being nice is actually a flaw. When all that blame was pointed towards me. Supposedly it was my fault for being nosy and actually going with my gut instinct. What I was told was “If you didn’t care about it, I wouldn’t do any of it. It’s when you tell me to not do it… that I actually get a thrill out of it.” What? I just love how all of the sudden it was my fault for actually caring. I can’t even comprehend the thought behind all of this. Who even is this person? Who am I becoming with this person?
I thought to myself… despite the hurt of it all, how much different is this with everyday life? Its as though we are expected to act a certain way to be accepted. Just how much of a different person does one have to become in order to succeed. And I know this may be speaking too broadly, but a person who succeeds has to compete with others and somewhere in their path..whether intentionally or on accident.. this person will screw people over just to get ahead. I suppose its only natural. But back to the issue. Here I am ultimately I can choose to forgive and obviously I would have to “not care” in order to succeed with this relationship. And then there is the other part of me.. which just screams stupidity.. how can I.. and why should I have to act a certain way just so that this person doesn’t do something which they should not be doing anyway. Are morals non existent to the world? Is there simply no right and wrong anymore? It just disgusts me what people think they have to put up with in order to work it out! It’s absurd and insane! And what is even more absurd is the fact that I’m actually questioning what I should do….. clearly when I already know what must be done. It’s just a sad thing how one easily can lose themselves. I can’t possibly love someone who can do this to me. It isn’t possible.
You lose respect. You lose trust. Without any of that a relationship isn’t possible. And people come and go. What causes most damage isn’t the person themselves but the emptiness you feel when all your dreams are shattered. All the “could have been” thoughts become more haunting than the actual dirty deed. And that emptiness slowly makes you lose a part of yourself each time… But whaddafux it! You only live once right? To feel pain as well as happiness is better than not feeling anything at all. Isn’t that the worst of all… to be numb to everything? As you can see I’m naturally optimistic. Flaw or not a flaw… who knows?