Eyes wide awake.


I would write on paper since that’s what I’m used to doing, however I’ve noticed that lately it’s been easier to type than to write with ink. Lazy? I think so. So nothing interesting has happened lately, I’m just writing for the sake of writing. Well we did get a new puppy, a Great Dane, and he is the most adorable thing. He reminds me a lot of Bandit.. Awe I miss him. He was the greatest furry friend, I tell you. I’m hoping soon he can start getting along with Keno, our 11 month German Shepherd. I find it so funny that the problem right now is that the puppy is too small to play with Keno…. and yet later on it’s going to be Keno who is the smaller one. Haha. I love those two. We have yet to come up with a name for the puppy. I was thinking Lucca? My little brothers however don’t feel the same way. I’m sure in the end we’ll find the right name! Hmm puppies are so adorable 🙂 Makes you all bubbly & happy being next to them.

       Besides that… I am on summer break! As I’m sure everyone else is.. well most. I’ve gone to the beach about 3 times now. That’s something I’m proud of haha 🙂 Especially since one of them was with my mom and little brother.. I really enjoyed that due to the reason that we don’t go out together as a family as much.  Hopefully I am able to do that again. I really want to get a summer job. But I’m not sure how well that would work out since I will be leaving to San Francisco in about three weeks. 😦  I love San Francisco, don’t get me wrong… I just think I will be needing a good amount of money for school and not to mention the ticket I have to pay off in October… That’s a while from now so I’m not that worried. School is what concerns me the most. And these tuition hikes are really bumming me out… Not to mention that I will be transferring to a school closer to home.. therefore I will be considered a new student, which means I’m not at the top priority when it comes to registering for classes. And If I fall any more behind… I’m going to have to seriously rethink things. I know how important the value of an education is and I would hate to have to leave it for financial reasons. … That’s why tomorrow I’ll be going out applying for jobs.

      I’ve been able to hang out with three different friends this summer. Not much… but taking into account the number of times that I’ve been able to hang out with them for the past year.. It is a massive increase. I don’t know why its become so difficult to just simply hang out? What is it seriously? Does everyone become so busy after high school that it’s just impossible to spend a good amount of time with old friends? I hope I can hang out with them again soon. I’m terribly guilty of procrastinating and it is absurd to think I had not met one of my closest friend’s baby daughter! How awful of a friend am I? She is what… about to be a year old in October? Ugh. Well at least I’ve met her now and she is a very adorable little girl.. I’m sure she had a fun time going out to the beach with us 🙂

     Let’s talk about the boyfriend now… I wonder if it’s me or if there’s actually others that think this way..but don’t you ever feel afraid of losing someone very valuable to you? It doesn’t necessarily have to be a boyfriend/girlfriend but also a friend or anyone close to you. And this is the crazy part… but I think somehow I am very fearful of this and for some unexplained reason I tend to distance myself from them. Intimacy issues? I don’t know… however it seems to me … that it is easier to push someone away by creating problems…picking at the old wounds …and making all of the issues escalate so that the person turns away from you. Doing all of that in order to avoid being abandoned.. Which only contradicts itself because by trying to turn them away from you… you are indeed being abandoned… But at least this time you know the cause of it and you are aware of it. Sounds crazy, doesn’t it? Haha. I’m not doing that now … but I have done it before. I guess I felt  at the time that I loved the person too much.. and eventually I hated myself for it, so  I decided that I rather have him hate me and stop talking to me… than to someday have him just altogether stop talking to me without any explainable reason. I think I’m crazy. Anyway that was a while ago, besides it was unrequited love which I think it means the feelings are even more intense. Because you long so much for that person to feel the same way as you do. And everything you play out in your mind becomes filled with these imaginary scenarios, all of these illusions you create of this person, and sometimes ..so intense that the person in real life is a complete different one than the one in your mind.. All are part of this illusion that you deeply desire.. Crazy right? Haha well this had nothing to do with my boyfriend. I just got a bit sidetracked.

   I’m not sure If I’m not trying enough? Or maybe I’m trying too much? I mean sometimes I tell myself I rather end it than to have all this confusion take any more of my time..but I become completely lost when I’m with him… that If I were to try to come up with a conclusion I would end up nowhere. I rather just live it day to day… and work with what I’ve got. At times its good and at times I much rather talk to a wall than to him. I suppose that is completely normal though. Boy, what I would do to spend one day in his shoes to see what he thinks about. Although I’m pretty sure it isn’t as complex as I’d like to think it is. Haha. But you never know right? I was at the beach with him and his friends this weekend and… I was recording him. Just because I thought It would be fun .. and I never had before.. besides why would you have a smart phone and not put it to use?! Well I played it later that day .. and as I was watching it my heart started beating slow and fast at the same time. Now I find it strange because I’ve not felt that way in a while. So it’s weird how while being apart in different cities, a simple recording can bring so much emotion. It’s just like a song, I suppose. But I had never experienced it before with a recording.. at least of him. And this helped me a bit on contemplating my feelings towards him. They’re there… they hide at times but they certainly are there. Haha. Right?!  I mean c’mon!  It is fascinating how you are able to gather a different perspective of a person from behind the camera. What I was unable to see at the moment, I saw later on in the day. Imagine how many different perspectives would change If I recorded everyone?  Or if everyone saw what each and every person in the world goes about during their day? If only I had some magical button where I would be able to know of a random person’s life…. I’ve always wondered how many are at a happy time of their lives… how many have hardships… how many have inspired or have done tremendous effort to help others… how many have had tragedies in their lives but yet continue to live on.. day by day… or the people that need some guidance in their lives… some attention… one good deed from a random person to uplift their spirits. Just think of how much one small, insignificant sign/action/gesture can impact that person even for just a day. If only we knew. Maybe people would try to be kinder to each other… :]

 

Well enough of that. Time to go to bed. Goodnight to all ❤ Sweet dreams.  -K

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