About Mεow εℓℓy

I will update this soon. When I find the right words to describe myself. Oh, by the way... I'm the world's best procrastinator baby!

I feel different. alive. present. anew.

This has been a strange year so far…

I was in a car crash October 2013, It was a 3 vehicle collision; nothing too serious. Just a young teenager or adult who was going too fast on the road.. on the very first day that it rained. The roads must have been real slippery, I guess. It was enough to shake me up and I mean who wouldn’t be? I was less than a mile away from my home when it happened.. I suppose the reason why I find it strange is because you never really think something will EVER happen to you. I don’t know about you but I figured I was untouched on the highway or streets as long as I drove safe. Especially on rainy days which are my favorite.. or used to be. Now I find myself overly cautious when it rains, too paranoid, to worried to see the beauty of it while driving. Anyway I recall my brother telling me perfectly one day, that rainy days are the ones I should be extremely cautious about. I told him something around the lines “Oh but it’s fine, I drive safe, don’t worry” and he responded with the words that still linger in my head to this day… “It’s not you I’m worried about, it’s other people who you have to watch out for.” Hmm up until then It had never occurred to me that despite my safe driving, somebody else could still harm me. Naive? Perhaps, but I guess that’s a lesson I’ve now learned. 

Well, at the moment of the accident, initially I was completely out of it because I hit my head on the steering wheel. And yes I was wearing my seat belt, I don’t know why so many people assumed that I wasn’t. What moron drives without their seat belt? My head hurt and with my previous occurrence with strokes, inter-cranial bleeding, concussions, I decided to go to the hospital. I was taken in the ambulance and I truly regret that now. Not only was I laughed at in the hospital but It has cost me an immense headache and $2,000 which I still have not paid to this day. I’m in collections and my non existent credit couldn’t be any better. 

So it turned out that after numerous attempts trying to contact the other person’s insurance, it took them four lovely months to finally grow some balls and tell me that not only did the other person didn’t have an active insurance the day of the accident but that I was pretty much screwed and there was nothing else they could possibly do. The only thing there was left to do was to try to sue. I was so angry. How is it possible that not once could they have left a message telling me to stop wasting my time? And still today, I feel like they’re full of shit but I was so emotionally exhausted. Why did that happen? What was the reason? My car is still fucked up. I don’t even have the energy to go sue and for what? The court won’t even follow up with the case If i win, there’s no guarantee that I will receive my money, and then part of me wants to really screw this kid over and part of me just wants to let it go and forget all about it. Maybe I could just pay it all myself and hope that he learns his lesson. *sigh

Oh and by the way starting New Year’s Day, for some odd reason I started to bleed. My period? Well I suppose that’s what I thought too except that It kept going for ehh 2 months and then 3 and then 6 months. Pretty fucking strange. What the hell is wrong with me? Emotional stress from the accident? Who knows. I finally went to the doctor at one point and I was given the depo shot to stop the bleeding. It worked for about a month until I got my “period” and then I had the most severe cramps you could imagine. I was crying for 4 hours straight because I couldn’t stand the pain, it was as if my uterus was ready to explode. The pain was just too much, taking several breaths would help but my god it was horrible enough to say no more depo shot EVER AGAIN. And the reason why i had such severe cramps? Well not long after I noticed I had given birth to the BIGGEST BLOOD CLOT EVER. WTF? Now the bad part about it was that, I still had about 2 months left with the shot in my system AND my bleeding never stopped afterwards. So it was all for nothing. Close to $300 down the toilet because I don’t have insurance since the past August. Thankfully, a few months later I went to Planned Parenthood and I was given regular birth control and so far that has worked. Thank god. 

I’m a bit afraid that there’s still an underlying problem I don’t know about. It’s a good thing I’ll have health insurance pretty soon. I will go get checked out. Hopefully I’m ok. I do get cramps but it’s nothing extremely severe. I’m just not sure I wan’t to stay on the pill for so long, what if my body forgets how to ovulate and I never get my period.. Or what if I continue to bleed nonstop. Last time I was on the pill for 6 months my body became like clockwork after the pill. I was very happy about that. That was about 4 years ago. 

Four years…. on a happy note, my boyfriend and I now have four years together. I remember my high school teacher specifically saying that the fourth year in a relationship is the hardest, and if you make it after that dreaded fourth year.. everything will go smooth sailing. Hah. It’s only been four months since our anniversary and now I’m starting to wonder if she was right. We have been great so far but today he said that he doesn’t trust me, apparently he has trusted every single ex girlfriend of his but not me. Ok? I don’t even know how to react to that. But I don’t want to talk about either. So back to my teacher, apparently she and her boyfriend were high school sweethearts and they were having major problems that year. They decided to break up and they went off on their separate ways. She said they dated other people and all of that but in the end, she wasn’t all that happy. Eventually they had become accustomed to one another so bad that other people just weren’t enough. And so they met up and well she showed us pictures of her wedding on a boat, in Alaska, with her decorated, pink chucks under her white dress. Yeah, she was awesome. 

It feels as though he’s afraid of me. I’m not sure why though. That’s another story to discuss further down the road.

Lets fast forward to my summer. I received a call from my brother saying that he was really sick and he wanted me to go visit him. ASAP. I was really scared and I booked a bus for a 7 hour drive to his house immediately. This meant skipping out on my summer class but that was fine. He sounded so vulnerable, afraid and alone on the phone. I wanted to be there with him. 

On the drive over I created multiple scenarios in my head and all of them were from bad to worst. My other brother called me when i was still about 3 hours away and he let me know that my brother had been admitted to the hospital. Oh god. I won’t forget those feelings I had at that moment. I wouldn’t be able to bear going through what I had experienced with my uncle again. Especially my brother. I was trying to hold myself together at the thought of it. I HATED the hospital. I grew to despise the smell of it, everything about it makes me sick. And to think that my brother was in there? I won’t go into too many details but let’s just say that my brother dodged a bullet with what he got. It could have been fatal if it persisted further and I’m so grateful that he’s alive and doing fine. I helped him for about a month with his surgical wounds, I think that helped him so much. He was emotionally drained and I don’t blame him, he questioned why that had happened to him. What was the point? I sincerely felt like that was a message for me. That what had happened to him was for me to see, a wake up call, and I know that I had thought about it before. I had thought that If something were ever to happen to my brothers, I would completely lose it and I would feel guilty. And i did feel guilty, despite it being a completely random situation beyond my control, I felt as though things could have been different if I was different. Maybe he wouldn’t be so overworked and over stressed If I helped and contributed. What the hell have I been doing? I don’t know where my mind has been for the last four years, it’s as if I’ve been on complete auto pilot, I’ve been a zombie and frankly I’m fucking tired of it. 

That was a wake up call to me. It was for me to finally realize that if I don’t do something, the next funeral I attend will be someone’s who is extremely close to me, possibly my brother. I take it to heart because I simply believe that things happen for a reason. I still don’t know what the reason was for my uncle passing away nor what the whole point of giving us hope of him improving and then butchering it all away. But I suppose some things take longer than others to understand. 

I just don’t know what I would do if something worst was to happen. 

My family thinks of me as an extremely strong person, I don’t know why. I really don’t think I am, I just think I’m good at hiding my feelings… really… really good. Almost too good. But I do put a mask over myself and I pretend that I’m not as easily hurt as I may truly be. I’ve always been afraid to be perceived as weak and I think it has to do with being the only girl growing up with three brothers. 

Maybe my boyfriend wants me to be weak. 

But I don’t want to.

I’m attending school. I’m actually planning to be a full time student at two different schools. I may be a bit over my head but I feel the need to do this. I actually feel present with time and it’s something I haven’t felt in a while. My anxiety has improved greatly ever since I started practicing Pilates and it is a huge reason of why I’m planning to get certified. Psychology is still my official major but I have been contemplating switching to science, actual science, you know biology and stuff. Anyway this last paragraph is what I really wanted to talk about but I figured I’d start from the beginning. It is only August, mind you, the end of August but it’s not too late to improve this year so hopefully the next posts are more joyous. God I hope. 

Until then 

-k

My trigger.

I wrote this on April 8th, 2014 and I just had to share it because it was a ridiculous morningwallpapers-Black-Cat-eyes-1366x768.

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Today is not my day. As I was leaving for my 9:30 class, my dad asked if I had a spare tire in my trunk, because apparently he got a flat. As he was asking though he remembered that my trunk is all messed up (car accident, other driver uninsured) so I have to manually tape it up so that it closes. Anyway he went back inside the house and I was about to leave but once I saw his flat I knew that putting air wasn’t going to help anymore. I parked and turned my car off, rolled the windows down and took the keys out. I then went and took the tape off and the spare tire from the trunk. I watched as my dad began to change the tire (this was my chance to finally learn lol) and well a while after he was done and all was well. I was happy that he was able to go to work and so he put the tire on the passengers seat and we waved out goodbyes. I went to my car, sat down, put the keys in the engine to turn it on and then (. .._______) my car didn’t turn on. Hahah, oh how silly, I thought well I’ll just call my dad so that he comes back. So here we are trying with his own separate battery/charger cables and it’s totally not doing anything. Perhaps the battery charger doesn’t work? Well the handle broke for some reason. There goes that. One of my lovely neighbors out of the many that saw us struggle outside offered us her jumper cables and said I could keep them incase my car died again. What a nice lady. We proceed to jump start the car and hmm strange, it’s not doing anything. Perhaps her cables are faulty? There seemed to be no current what so ever. Anyway we finally give up, obviously something else is the problem. At that point I could forget about my 930 class. My dad then goes towards the red Altima that used to belong to
my uncle. We haven’t used it since he passed away , one of the tires bleeds air and the battery is probably dead by now. We connect the jumper cables and try to start it but….. Eh not quite working either. I noticed the current right away, the cables did work. But even a half hour later after trying and trying, the red car was not going to start. Damn, well isn’t this just perfect? We gave up and my dad headed towards the store to see if he is able to buy a new battery for it. Maybe it will work, I don’t know but thank goodness I asked my brother’s lovely girlfriend for a ride just in case it doesn’t. Anyway, what the hell universe? Seriously……? u_u Cant a family catch a break here.

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Have you ever seen the light?

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Photograph: Shay Mitchell by Derek Kettela

January 13, 2014

Each person has their own unique source of motivation, mainly I have met people who seek improvement to provide a better life for someone close to them. In my mind this is usually a parent caring for their child/children. I am single and therefore I believe I am unable to understand the magnificent connection between a mother/father’s love towards their child. My mother often tells me that it is an undeniable love that she feels towards us (my brothers and I), she would sacrifice an immense amount of herself for our happiness. To me it is an indescribable act of selflessness and it leaves me in disbelief the amount of effort parents put in, all for the benefit of their kids. I applaud all the parents who put their child first, before anything and anyone else in the world. In all honesty, I wish I had that type of endless motivation.

But… that is not the case and I’m not going to wait around in hopes that I get pregnant to finally find my source of motivation. That is a terrible idea. Despite how terrible it is, I am sure there are several people who have experienced it in living flesh, by accident or not. And who knows? Maybe it worked out for the best of everyone? That’s not what I want to speak about anyway.

A long time ago, years ago, I used to be able to breathe in motivation. I would close my eyes, take a deep breath, envision all that I wanted to accomplish and all of the happiness I wanted to spread, I would exhale and my heart would beat faster and faster, each time generating more love for others and a grand love for the world. And then as I would open my eyes, everything would shift becoming clearer than before. Now come to think of it, I had an undeniable love, for what? I don’t know. There was so much hope… 

…………So what happened? Like hell if I know. However it’s 110% sure that, that undeniable love, is long long long gone! That part of me vanished without any courtesy warning and it has left me famished, angry, and hopeless. Perhaps too many failures can eat your soul away, deteriorating your spirit little by little? I want to be full of hope again so bad. And I just cannot find any root of motivation. I say I will do things and instead I sit there, wasting away, without taking any form of action. It’s a sickness. Fear. Anxiety. How is it that I am so messed up and I cannot find it within myself to strive for something greater? I don’t know. But oh boy, do I miss that love. Fucking reality is a pain in the ass. Forgive the language but it is the truth. So many things have gone to shit and I just have to find a way to straighten EVERYTHING, at least that of which I have control of.

QUESTION: Does anyone experience this? Or is it just some bullshit in my mind? Can you relate in any way?

Is this what depression feels like? Maybe I should go see a psychiatrist and get medicine prescribed. I’ll behappy elly 2.1: new and improved.” No, that isn’t going to solve anything. Maybe it will, temporarily, but it won’t get to the root of the problem.

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     So what the hell are you going to do? 

That is a good question I ask myself. I suppose there isn’t an easy fix and I probably wouldn’t take it either way because I am too stubborn. I’m going to take it day by day and that’s about the only thing I can do, right? Being numb to the world is just about the most tragic way you can be.. I admit though, that I have found some way to kick start my motivation and although I do not label it as healthy motivation, it is better than nothing. And this my friends is competing against those former high schoolers who each time I view any of their new updates, I roll my eyes and go “eeehhhhhh” haha. I know this is completely unhealthy as I mentioned before and I am aware it is a bad habit to form. 🙂  My misery brings a wicked side to my personality as well. Mwahaha.

And I want to have better days, if she can do that then I can do greater, If he can have that, I can have greater, IF SHE CAN GO TO THE GYM ONCE A WEEK, I CAN GO FIVE DAYS A WEEK, Oh you cooked that? Hell I can cook this top notch meal, have a taste of my awesomeness. I wouldn’t post everything I would do better on FB, that is annoying, instead I would celebrate amongst myself and with you guys of course. So why not? What do you think?

And that’ll be all for today. I have rambled too much. 🙂 I started this around  10:31 P.M. and it is now 12:54 A.M.

I also kept replaying “Sam’s town” by The Killers.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YfUSjEE5BLk

Who I am and why I’m here..

Monday, January 6th 2014 1:06 A.M.

 DAY 1: INTRODUCE YOURSELF

I like to go by Elly, this is what my family has called me since I was a young girl. It is actually very rare that they call me by my first name. It is extremely strange. Sometimes I often don’t even recognize that it’s actually my name. That’s only the case when I’m at home or near my family. It feels more family oriented, the name. In fact, there was even a time when someone called my house and asked to speak to me by my actual name, my brother for a second was going to inform them it was the wrong number. That’s how rare it is! I’m not too fond of my actual name.

Perhaps it’s because there’s a whole lot of uncertainty with it. I suppose what I’m trying to say is, since at school I’m referred to as (blank) there’s a different personality that accompanies it. Can’t quite say I’m fully explaining myself but I know that my personality at home is much more different than at school. I have more freedom at home and at school… I’m quite reserved. Lol.

Anyway….

I’m 21 years of age, I “attend” college. My purpose of writing this blog is to get more in touch with myself. Sort of boring right? Well I am almost 100% sure that It will definitely add some structure to my thoughts because my mind runs like it’s on crack. And I wish it were extremely genius ideas and solutions to all the type of problems that exist today… but sometimes it’s quite the opposite. I love to stir “what ifs” around like no tomorrow. Who doesn’t though?

I think i skipped a question.

The reason I’m blogging instead of writing in a journal, which I do have by the way, is because I put off writing. ALOT. I am such a procrastinator, no joke. I literally write a handful of diary entries each year, sometimes I even skip years lol. So this is what I’m thinking, since this is online, maybe the fact that some people may read it is what will give me motivation to type more.

Who would you love to connect with via your blog?

– Umm, people. During these past years, i have become very anti-social. I’m hoping I can meet or become aware of other people who are similar to me. The other day I was reading some other people’s blogs, stalking if you will, and it’s amazing how much you can get to know a person. I think it’s great, of course it isn’t actual face to face communication but you have the general idea of a variety of people out there. 🙂 So I hope to find your pretty souls! Mwahaha. Creepy.

If you blog successfully throughout 2014, what would you hope to have accomplished?

Life. 

I haven’t been living as much as I imagined I would. Therefore, anything that will help me grow as a person and become more aware of myself and others will be a great benefit. I don’t want to live without appreciating what I have and those who I have with me. I have learned a great deal of things through tragedy these past years and I have realized that our time here on earth isn’t set in stone. We hope to live long and happy, but unfortunately that wish isn’t granted for everyone. Am I depressing you? I think I completely changed the vibe just now.

Well…. I think those are all the questions for now! What do you hope to accomplish?! Oh and before I forget here is the link to the actual challenge, in case you wish to follow it as well. 🙂

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/zero-to-hero/#1

It’s 1:55 A.M.

See ya!

Intro to Zero to Hero: 30 Day Challenge

Sunday, January 5th 2014 11:34 P.M.

I have the habit of writing the date and time on each journal entry. So I may use it here as well, I like knowing exactly when and where I wrote each piece. 🙂 The only downside to writing on here is that I don’t get to use an actual pen. It feels more intimate to me. I don’t know exactly how this is going to work out, the whole blogging thing. It’s feeling sort of iffy. I’m talking to all of you folks out there and it is sort of intimidating and I find myself second guessing what I’m going to say. Maybe within time it will feel more natural? I’m just a newb. Or was it noob? I prefer newbie. Alright!

Well since I’m such a newbie, what can be better than a 30 day challenge?? Suited for beginners or for those who have an actual blog up and running already! I do think i’m a couple of days behind though. Haha. I’m not sure if I will catch up or just go at my own pace. I will link the challenge down below in case you want to join as well! Fantastic right? Ok. Lets start. 

—Actually, I just got side tracked with my little brother who entered my room—-  He started cuddling with my kitten Lila, I’m guessing since he spent the week at my older brother’s house, he isn’t used to being alone. I should probably go hang out with him for a bit. I will write the first challenge in another post! 🙂 

It is now 12:10 am by the way. 

 

 

2014; Metamorphosis

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Goodbye 2013! I will miss you no more than 2012 or 2011. 

This year I have set many goals, such as maintaining this blog up to date. Within the next 24 hours I will post all of my to-do’s for 2014 and I will do my best to follow them 100% thoroughly. I have great expectations and I am sure you do as well! How will you strive for your goals? I plan to write everything down to the bone, that is the only way for me! 

 

See ya within 24 hours!

 

 

A Hint of Wisdom Through A Dream (IMPORTANT: Please Read)

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I had the strangest dream..

Often I overlook these things and not pay any attention but this one was different. In it I revisited the hospital my uncle had been in while he was in critical condition, he was there for what seemed such an eternity..  Becoming familiar with an Intensive Care Unit setting and recognizing all of the nurses is by far the worst thing to ever happen to a person, at least in my experience. 

In this dream though, I walked towards the ICU room and upon entering I immediately looked at the bed my uncle had once been laying on before. I remember for a minute and I  have the clearest image in my head of the vital signs monitor placed to the right of his bed, his heart rate usually elevated side by side with his blood pressure, the medicine lines running from the IV to his veins, at the very least: a sedative, antibiotics, pain reliever, supplemental food, blood thinners.. On the opposite side of the bed, the respiratory machine leading into his trachea, at ease because a sedative would mean his numbers would remain normal for a bit. Just thinking of what was going on on the outside made me afraid of his ongoing state on the inside. I recall having to wear a mask, gloves, and a yellow gown to prevent the possibility of spreading any more infections as his body was becoming resistant to the antibiotics. 

As I finished staring at the empty sheets, I walked past his bed and I saw a familiar face at the end of the room, a friend’s mom. I had known who was in ICU but I had to see for myself. Getting closer I could hear far cries become more prominent and  I noticed they were all wearing gowns and masks. I gathered my set and put it on as I walked closely to the bed. I had grown apart from this friend due to circumstances and I felt an immense guilt as I saw their body laying on the bed motionless… With the same vitals machine and the respirator on their face, It brought back familiar feelings.

And I realized I had forgotten.. Just how easy it is to unintentionally ignore important people in our lives, unwilling to take a spare moment to ask how their day is going, it might not seem of higher significance but it makes all the difference. You may as well be the person to give them life altering advice, if anyone had asked or pushed my uncle to get those headaches checked at the doctor, his story might have been different with given medication. Ultimately who knows really? But I did want to share this, because once you see a loved one laying on a bed, vulnerable weak and fragile, connected to several machines……It becomes a situation out of your hands, out of your reach, a moment where you wish if only you had taken a different action beforehand-K