I feel different. alive. present. anew.

This has been a strange year so far…

I was in a car crash October 2013, It was a 3 vehicle collision; nothing too serious. Just a young teenager or adult who was going too fast on the road.. on the very first day that it rained. The roads must have been real slippery, I guess. It was enough to shake me up and I mean who wouldn’t be? I was less than a mile away from my home when it happened.. I suppose the reason why I find it strange is because you never really think something will EVER happen to you. I don’t know about you but I figured I was untouched on the highway or streets as long as I drove safe. Especially on rainy days which are my favorite.. or used to be. Now I find myself overly cautious when it rains, too paranoid, to worried to see the beauty of it while driving. Anyway I recall my brother telling me perfectly one day, that rainy days are the ones I should be extremely cautious about. I told him something around the lines “Oh but it’s fine, I drive safe, don’t worry” and he responded with the words that still linger in my head to this day… “It’s not you I’m worried about, it’s other people who you have to watch out for.” Hmm up until then It had never occurred to me that despite my safe driving, somebody else could still harm me. Naive? Perhaps, but I guess that’s a lesson I’ve now learned. 

Well, at the moment of the accident, initially I was completely out of it because I hit my head on the steering wheel. And yes I was wearing my seat belt, I don’t know why so many people assumed that I wasn’t. What moron drives without their seat belt? My head hurt and with my previous occurrence with strokes, inter-cranial bleeding, concussions, I decided to go to the hospital. I was taken in the ambulance and I truly regret that now. Not only was I laughed at in the hospital but It has cost me an immense headache and $2,000 which I still have not paid to this day. I’m in collections and my non existent credit couldn’t be any better. 

So it turned out that after numerous attempts trying to contact the other person’s insurance, it took them four lovely months to finally grow some balls and tell me that not only did the other person didn’t have an active insurance the day of the accident but that I was pretty much screwed and there was nothing else they could possibly do. The only thing there was left to do was to try to sue. I was so angry. How is it possible that not once could they have left a message telling me to stop wasting my time? And still today, I feel like they’re full of shit but I was so emotionally exhausted. Why did that happen? What was the reason? My car is still fucked up. I don’t even have the energy to go sue and for what? The court won’t even follow up with the case If i win, there’s no guarantee that I will receive my money, and then part of me wants to really screw this kid over and part of me just wants to let it go and forget all about it. Maybe I could just pay it all myself and hope that he learns his lesson. *sigh

Oh and by the way starting New Year’s Day, for some odd reason I started to bleed. My period? Well I suppose that’s what I thought too except that It kept going for ehh 2 months and then 3 and then 6 months. Pretty fucking strange. What the hell is wrong with me? Emotional stress from the accident? Who knows. I finally went to the doctor at one point and I was given the depo shot to stop the bleeding. It worked for about a month until I got my “period” and then I had the most severe cramps you could imagine. I was crying for 4 hours straight because I couldn’t stand the pain, it was as if my uterus was ready to explode. The pain was just too much, taking several breaths would help but my god it was horrible enough to say no more depo shot EVER AGAIN. And the reason why i had such severe cramps? Well not long after I noticed I had given birth to the BIGGEST BLOOD CLOT EVER. WTF? Now the bad part about it was that, I still had about 2 months left with the shot in my system AND my bleeding never stopped afterwards. So it was all for nothing. Close to $300 down the toilet because I don’t have insurance since the past August. Thankfully, a few months later I went to Planned Parenthood and I was given regular birth control and so far that has worked. Thank god. 

I’m a bit afraid that there’s still an underlying problem I don’t know about. It’s a good thing I’ll have health insurance pretty soon. I will go get checked out. Hopefully I’m ok. I do get cramps but it’s nothing extremely severe. I’m just not sure I wan’t to stay on the pill for so long, what if my body forgets how to ovulate and I never get my period.. Or what if I continue to bleed nonstop. Last time I was on the pill for 6 months my body became like clockwork after the pill. I was very happy about that. That was about 4 years ago. 

Four years…. on a happy note, my boyfriend and I now have four years together. I remember my high school teacher specifically saying that the fourth year in a relationship is the hardest, and if you make it after that dreaded fourth year.. everything will go smooth sailing. Hah. It’s only been four months since our anniversary and now I’m starting to wonder if she was right. We have been great so far but today he said that he doesn’t trust me, apparently he has trusted every single ex girlfriend of his but not me. Ok? I don’t even know how to react to that. But I don’t want to talk about either. So back to my teacher, apparently she and her boyfriend were high school sweethearts and they were having major problems that year. They decided to break up and they went off on their separate ways. She said they dated other people and all of that but in the end, she wasn’t all that happy. Eventually they had become accustomed to one another so bad that other people just weren’t enough. And so they met up and well she showed us pictures of her wedding on a boat, in Alaska, with her decorated, pink chucks under her white dress. Yeah, she was awesome. 

It feels as though he’s afraid of me. I’m not sure why though. That’s another story to discuss further down the road.

Lets fast forward to my summer. I received a call from my brother saying that he was really sick and he wanted me to go visit him. ASAP. I was really scared and I booked a bus for a 7 hour drive to his house immediately. This meant skipping out on my summer class but that was fine. He sounded so vulnerable, afraid and alone on the phone. I wanted to be there with him. 

On the drive over I created multiple scenarios in my head and all of them were from bad to worst. My other brother called me when i was still about 3 hours away and he let me know that my brother had been admitted to the hospital. Oh god. I won’t forget those feelings I had at that moment. I wouldn’t be able to bear going through what I had experienced with my uncle again. Especially my brother. I was trying to hold myself together at the thought of it. I HATED the hospital. I grew to despise the smell of it, everything about it makes me sick. And to think that my brother was in there? I won’t go into too many details but let’s just say that my brother dodged a bullet with what he got. It could have been fatal if it persisted further and I’m so grateful that he’s alive and doing fine. I helped him for about a month with his surgical wounds, I think that helped him so much. He was emotionally drained and I don’t blame him, he questioned why that had happened to him. What was the point? I sincerely felt like that was a message for me. That what had happened to him was for me to see, a wake up call, and I know that I had thought about it before. I had thought that If something were ever to happen to my brothers, I would completely lose it and I would feel guilty. And i did feel guilty, despite it being a completely random situation beyond my control, I felt as though things could have been different if I was different. Maybe he wouldn’t be so overworked and over stressed If I helped and contributed. What the hell have I been doing? I don’t know where my mind has been for the last four years, it’s as if I’ve been on complete auto pilot, I’ve been a zombie and frankly I’m fucking tired of it. 

That was a wake up call to me. It was for me to finally realize that if I don’t do something, the next funeral I attend will be someone’s who is extremely close to me, possibly my brother. I take it to heart because I simply believe that things happen for a reason. I still don’t know what the reason was for my uncle passing away nor what the whole point of giving us hope of him improving and then butchering it all away. But I suppose some things take longer than others to understand. 

I just don’t know what I would do if something worst was to happen. 

My family thinks of me as an extremely strong person, I don’t know why. I really don’t think I am, I just think I’m good at hiding my feelings… really… really good. Almost too good. But I do put a mask over myself and I pretend that I’m not as easily hurt as I may truly be. I’ve always been afraid to be perceived as weak and I think it has to do with being the only girl growing up with three brothers. 

Maybe my boyfriend wants me to be weak. 

But I don’t want to.

I’m attending school. I’m actually planning to be a full time student at two different schools. I may be a bit over my head but I feel the need to do this. I actually feel present with time and it’s something I haven’t felt in a while. My anxiety has improved greatly ever since I started practicing Pilates and it is a huge reason of why I’m planning to get certified. Psychology is still my official major but I have been contemplating switching to science, actual science, you know biology and stuff. Anyway this last paragraph is what I really wanted to talk about but I figured I’d start from the beginning. It is only August, mind you, the end of August but it’s not too late to improve this year so hopefully the next posts are more joyous. God I hope. 

Until then 

-k

My trigger.

I wrote this on April 8th, 2014 and I just had to share it because it was a ridiculous morningwallpapers-Black-Cat-eyes-1366x768.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Today is not my day. As I was leaving for my 9:30 class, my dad asked if I had a spare tire in my trunk, because apparently he got a flat. As he was asking though he remembered that my trunk is all messed up (car accident, other driver uninsured) so I have to manually tape it up so that it closes. Anyway he went back inside the house and I was about to leave but once I saw his flat I knew that putting air wasn’t going to help anymore. I parked and turned my car off, rolled the windows down and took the keys out. I then went and took the tape off and the spare tire from the trunk. I watched as my dad began to change the tire (this was my chance to finally learn lol) and well a while after he was done and all was well. I was happy that he was able to go to work and so he put the tire on the passengers seat and we waved out goodbyes. I went to my car, sat down, put the keys in the engine to turn it on and then (. .._______) my car didn’t turn on. Hahah, oh how silly, I thought well I’ll just call my dad so that he comes back. So here we are trying with his own separate battery/charger cables and it’s totally not doing anything. Perhaps the battery charger doesn’t work? Well the handle broke for some reason. There goes that. One of my lovely neighbors out of the many that saw us struggle outside offered us her jumper cables and said I could keep them incase my car died again. What a nice lady. We proceed to jump start the car and hmm strange, it’s not doing anything. Perhaps her cables are faulty? There seemed to be no current what so ever. Anyway we finally give up, obviously something else is the problem. At that point I could forget about my 930 class. My dad then goes towards the red Altima that used to belong to
my uncle. We haven’t used it since he passed away , one of the tires bleeds air and the battery is probably dead by now. We connect the jumper cables and try to start it but….. Eh not quite working either. I noticed the current right away, the cables did work. But even a half hour later after trying and trying, the red car was not going to start. Damn, well isn’t this just perfect? We gave up and my dad headed towards the store to see if he is able to buy a new battery for it. Maybe it will work, I don’t know but thank goodness I asked my brother’s lovely girlfriend for a ride just in case it doesn’t. Anyway, what the hell universe? Seriously……? u_u Cant a family catch a break here.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Have you ever seen the light?

Image

Photograph: Shay Mitchell by Derek Kettela

January 13, 2014

Each person has their own unique source of motivation, mainly I have met people who seek improvement to provide a better life for someone close to them. In my mind this is usually a parent caring for their child/children. I am single and therefore I believe I am unable to understand the magnificent connection between a mother/father’s love towards their child. My mother often tells me that it is an undeniable love that she feels towards us (my brothers and I), she would sacrifice an immense amount of herself for our happiness. To me it is an indescribable act of selflessness and it leaves me in disbelief the amount of effort parents put in, all for the benefit of their kids. I applaud all the parents who put their child first, before anything and anyone else in the world. In all honesty, I wish I had that type of endless motivation.

But… that is not the case and I’m not going to wait around in hopes that I get pregnant to finally find my source of motivation. That is a terrible idea. Despite how terrible it is, I am sure there are several people who have experienced it in living flesh, by accident or not. And who knows? Maybe it worked out for the best of everyone? That’s not what I want to speak about anyway.

A long time ago, years ago, I used to be able to breathe in motivation. I would close my eyes, take a deep breath, envision all that I wanted to accomplish and all of the happiness I wanted to spread, I would exhale and my heart would beat faster and faster, each time generating more love for others and a grand love for the world. And then as I would open my eyes, everything would shift becoming clearer than before. Now come to think of it, I had an undeniable love, for what? I don’t know. There was so much hope… 

…………So what happened? Like hell if I know. However it’s 110% sure that, that undeniable love, is long long long gone! That part of me vanished without any courtesy warning and it has left me famished, angry, and hopeless. Perhaps too many failures can eat your soul away, deteriorating your spirit little by little? I want to be full of hope again so bad. And I just cannot find any root of motivation. I say I will do things and instead I sit there, wasting away, without taking any form of action. It’s a sickness. Fear. Anxiety. How is it that I am so messed up and I cannot find it within myself to strive for something greater? I don’t know. But oh boy, do I miss that love. Fucking reality is a pain in the ass. Forgive the language but it is the truth. So many things have gone to shit and I just have to find a way to straighten EVERYTHING, at least that of which I have control of.

QUESTION: Does anyone experience this? Or is it just some bullshit in my mind? Can you relate in any way?

Is this what depression feels like? Maybe I should go see a psychiatrist and get medicine prescribed. I’ll behappy elly 2.1: new and improved.” No, that isn’t going to solve anything. Maybe it will, temporarily, but it won’t get to the root of the problem.

Image

     So what the hell are you going to do? 

That is a good question I ask myself. I suppose there isn’t an easy fix and I probably wouldn’t take it either way because I am too stubborn. I’m going to take it day by day and that’s about the only thing I can do, right? Being numb to the world is just about the most tragic way you can be.. I admit though, that I have found some way to kick start my motivation and although I do not label it as healthy motivation, it is better than nothing. And this my friends is competing against those former high schoolers who each time I view any of their new updates, I roll my eyes and go “eeehhhhhh” haha. I know this is completely unhealthy as I mentioned before and I am aware it is a bad habit to form. 🙂  My misery brings a wicked side to my personality as well. Mwahaha.

And I want to have better days, if she can do that then I can do greater, If he can have that, I can have greater, IF SHE CAN GO TO THE GYM ONCE A WEEK, I CAN GO FIVE DAYS A WEEK, Oh you cooked that? Hell I can cook this top notch meal, have a taste of my awesomeness. I wouldn’t post everything I would do better on FB, that is annoying, instead I would celebrate amongst myself and with you guys of course. So why not? What do you think?

And that’ll be all for today. I have rambled too much. 🙂 I started this around  10:31 P.M. and it is now 12:54 A.M.

I also kept replaying “Sam’s town” by The Killers.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YfUSjEE5BLk

I have to PEE!

But I’m too lazy to get up from my bed and walk over to the restroom. Ahh. — So today was quite a lovely day. I adore this chilly, foggy, mystifying weather! I don’t know why but instead of feeling gloomy I feel cheerful, relaxed, and I just happen to love everything and everyone on these type of days! It is so strange. My mother, without a doubt hates chilly weather, she thinks it is depressing and it makes her uncomfortable. Well yet another difference between her and I haha. And I cannot hold it any longer! Ahhh — Okay back. What a great feeling of relief! Twice, I experienced that feeling today!

Well school went smoothly.. nothing unusual. I was stuck in traffic for two hours and did not make it to my tennis class. Bummer. Then after that I decided to study for my music midterm… which I kind of didn’t follow through. Haha instead I ended up reading Cosmopolitan in my car. I didn’t go to my art class… because like I said before I was supposed to study. But we now all know that did not happen. My who-i-like-to-call “stalker” text me asking if I was in class, I told him no of course —wow I just deleted half a paragraph I had written, ugh!— then he proceeded to flirt with me. And this time I actually flirted back but not the past-the-limit kinda flirting. Just friendly talk. I guess that’s what I mean when I say “flirting.” Because if I do recall I have been ignoring him like there’s no tomorrow. Haha.  Anyway so I think I managed to do decent on my midterm and that’s good considering I didn’t bother to study. Surprisingly I had a test for my Spanish class and I think I nailed it. Unless I happened to misread the instructions which I hope not. Also, I received my previous test back in which I scored an 86%. I was pretty pleased with that. 😀 Yay.

Well I was just so pleased with my school day that I didn’t quite want to head back home just yet. So I decided to pay a visit to my boyfriend, which by the way, I have a new perspective over our relationship. Now I understand he’s got his flaws… and I admit I have mine too. I figured, I’m over stressing-out about those flaws because simply put…. why bother? Consider this, I don’t know when exactly the relationship will be over or even if it will. The only thing I can predict or assume is that our relationship is only temporary. Now by saying that I can focus on the good characteristics that he has and I can enjoy our time spent together better. See by thinking it is only temporary I don’t stress about the whole is-he-right-for-me bullshit and is this who I want to spend the rest of my life nonsense. It just makes sense! And I can sure as hell get rid of all the over-thinking that I tend to do. Now I don’t know if its selfish to think of it that way, I guess I’m just doing it so save myself the trouble. Of course I do wish it to succeed but what do I know.

As I was saying before……  I went over to his house and I had told him I wanted to grab some coffee. There is this little cafe place by where he lives that I just adore. I love the atmosphere in there! Its like this comfy, indie, care-free cafe place where you can just chill out. It’s kind of the way chilly, foggy, mystifying days are… I just feel happy there. Well on our way there we walked into .. i don’t know Halloween store? We were looking at different costumes… seeing which ones seemed better.. getting ideas. Not the point I’m trying to make but fun, fun, fun. A guy who was working there asked me about my shirt.. which is a Roger Waters Live t-shirt I bought. He asked if I went and I told him yes. I was so excited when he asked me about it, my face instantly lighted up haha. He told me he had gone too. And my reply was “Really!!!!? How cool! Yeah it was great!” I looked over at my boyfriend… I almost forgot he was there from all the excitement I was sharing with this fellow Roger Waters fan 😉 hehe and I awkwardly said “Yeah! We went.” Then I friendly punched my boyfriend in the arm…? What for.. I have no idea but afterwards the guy smiled at me and slowly walked away. I’m now wondering if all this awkwardness was for real or if it was all just in my head. The guy was cute… shhh! Haha I wonder if my boyfriend got jealous.. but why would he?

-I am now having hunger pangs.. Ugh. It’s 1 in the morning, really?–  After we headed back to the car…drove to his house.. and he had mentioned he wanted to take me to this one road through the mountains. I noticed he seemed eager to go so I said why not? After all he was nice enough to put some gas into my car 🙂 Awe. Okay well driving up.. I told him, “Wouldn’t it be nice if there was a lot of fog right now?! It’ll look pretty.” And oh boy did I get what I wanted. This particular road has a lot of curves.. but this I found out after all-the-possible fog you can imagine appeared! I was shitting bricks. Hahaha. It was nonetheless completely beautiful. Imagine: a quiet, long, dark curvy road filled with a rich breeze of mysterious, calming air. Yet with every turn you make and behind every curve there is a feeling of fear. The fog is awe striking, alluring but simultaneously dangerous. The beautiful contrast of light between the blurry light-posts and the darkness around them. Unaware of what to focus on, from all that is available to see. Driving curve after curve, up high in the mountain, looking down below realizing that there is nothing below. Just fog. If you were to fall down… it would be an endless adventure into the fog. It then becomes creepy and all the beauty of the scenery disappears. Knowing that being close to something so beautiful can be so dangerous. And then again driving after another sharp curve.. you look down and you see the almost surreal view of the city lost within the foggy night. The blurry, shimmering, city lights… so many lights… so many people out there.. so many lives. This is definitely one hell of a rush and so many feelings at once. I became lost between fear and awe but it was definitely an unforgettable moment. Luckily I wasn’t the one driving it was my boyfriend… but oh boy I told him it was just as nerve-wrecking. Before every curve I would move my foot, as if I were the one driving trying to brake. Haha there were also beautiful houses along the road.. and I didn’t really pay much attention to those as it was too dark and the road was very narrow. My boyfriend didn’t either. o.O Haha! Rich people live there by the way.. but it was definitely somewhat of an eye opener. Just to compare the different lifestyles, it is rather amazing what some people have and don’t.

But anyhow that was a good drive, I told my boyfriend next time I’ll be the driver and he’ll be the passenger. See which one is worse. Of course I won’t be going 40 miles per hour like he was! I believe the speed limit was 20 miles per hour.. but I think I’m better off going 2 miles per hour! So beware you nice fellow, rich people trying to get to your homes, there will be a slow driver on the road. You have been warned 🙂 Well that’s all! Good day or what? I just love this weather, don’t you?

Link

Incubus- Earth to bella II

You’re treading water successfully
Or are you really?
Don’t you want to see the deep?
It’s not so hard.
Just forgive yourself and
Feel the water over you.

I personally love Incubus. Never gave this song a listen because it is presumed to be associated with Twilight, even though its not. But it just so happened to play when I opened my Mozilla browser and it couldn’t have been any more perfect.

You know, sometimes bad habits get the better of us. Even if we realize the harm it causes in us and others, why is it so hard to change that one tiny bit part of ourselves? I’m almost certain every person has that one thing. And of course it can be anything from always being late, not communicating with loved ones, avoiding family reunions, not going to church, breaking promises, going back to someone when you know you should not, or on a more serious note; addiction.

But isn’t that what a bad habit is? You become addicted to doing something a certain way? How can you break off a bad habit if the last thing on your mind is realizing that in fact it is an addiction? For example, I have the habit of always being late no matter what, where, who, or when, I am late. This is something I picked up earlier in my childhood like lets say 3rd grade or so. I would wake up for school, start getting ready and somewhere along the lines I’d end up late to school. Now I don’t quite remember why being punctual was not enforced since I was so young. Maybe this was lack of enforcement which basically allowed this bad habit of mine. Who knows. The question is how do you change something which has become the very core of me? It is so easy to pick up bad habits and you may not even realize until someone else lets you know. What is your bad habit?

Well the matter of fact is, I have come to the point where too much is at stake to continue this tardy habit of mine. That and other annoying habits. Its nothing but psychology. The only way is to just to learn another habit! A healthy one this time! How can I do this? By tricking my mind into believing I have to be ready at a “fake” earlier time… naturally I will be late but by the time I am late it will actually be a decent time to be ready. Or maybe I can plan out the amount of time it takes to get each thing, make a schedule, and use that as guidance. The key is honesty though. Only you know how much actual time it takes you so plan accordingly.

There are many solutions and alternatives to bad habits. My mother has the habit of drinking coffee for example and in the health that she’s in, it isn’t recommended. Instead of drinking coffee she should be drinking water… a little bit of juice…tea now and then. If she can get in the habit of drinking all of these other liquids, the natural need for coffee will eventually disappear. However its easier said than done. I’ve noticed though, she hasn’t picked up a mug of coffee in a while. Perhaps I should ask her how she stops herself from drinking it. Haha or maybe she has been picking one up and I don’t even know! Anyway what are your recommendations to break our habits and what is your strategy to breaking yours? Or you might just be a perfect person and have nothing but good, healthy habits! If that is you, I envy you >.<

Recap: Summer

I  guess I can say that the highlight of my summer was definitely going up to San Francisco to stay with my older brother for a week. I love the city and the variety of things. And it’s a plus being surrounded by water. This was just a time to clear my mind and grasp new ideas. I can see myself living there.. it is so much different than LA. The people are different, the weather is different , the whole atmosphere is different! Well maybe I was just  a bit too glad to be somewhere else hehe. But it is obvious that people up north are more environmentally aware than the folks here in LA, you just can’t hide that. If only LA was like that and acted more of a community than just every person out for themselves. Anyway loved San Francisco and it only gets me excited to travel and get a chance to see other places!

I did have a chance to move up north and live with my brother. However I didn’t do it because… my boyfriend is down here in LA with me. Not that we wouldn’t be able to manage but I think that our long distance relationship is at a handful already with just 70- 80 miles apart.  Of course … I know… “you should not miss opportunities just because of a so-called boyfriend.”  I know.  And I can’t help but to laugh at myself when I look at the things I’m doing. Its just so funny, the things people do when in love… you know you shouldn’t do them and yet you do.

Speaking of the boyfriend. I have a bunch of things I can complain about. But I’m choosing not to. I decided I’m not going to let little, meaningful things get to do. Why? So that I can feel sorry for myself? No no no! Even the doctor told me.. in a Chinese accent that you just can’t help but to smile at  “Worry less! you too young to have panic attack!  just have fun, enjoy the time being!” My doctor is right for once. Haha. This by the way was about a year ago I was just so stressed with family, going to school, trying to move out etc. I’m doing much better now at handling my stress.

By the way…. I went to the LA Zoo yesterday. It is rather cheap, only 14 bucks per adult. I went with my boyfriend. I told my older brother this earlier when he called to check in on me… and he just laughed. What is so funny about going to the zoo with your boyfriend? He says it’s just random.. like “hey what did you do this weekend? Oh I went to the zoo.. you?” I don’t get him haha I mean I guess it isn’t a usual thing to do with your boyfriend or girlfriend but… I mean I don’t see why not? Besides! It was fun… I especially enjoyed looking at the snow leopard! It was just so cute and cuddly! He enjoyed looking at the Komodo dragon. Asked me if I ever wanted to have one as a pet… haha! I said I rather have a white tiger as a pet… if that’s the direction you want to head towards to. It was a bit hot… but nothing you can’t handle.. oh and those polka dots.. or… dotted in.. I have no idea what its called. Ice cream in little bits basically was pretty damn sweet. I had the banana split favor. While ordering the guy mentioned he only had banana split, chocolate and cookies & cream. I don’t know where my mind was at but I told him “Umm let me have vanilla one.”  “We don’t have vanilla we only have…” and he proceeded to list the flavors available again.. once he finished I mindlessly said “Okay let me have the vanilla split” It took me a full minute to realize what I had just said and I couldn’t help but to feel embarrassed as looked at him and my boyfriend. “Vanilla split? Really…. I mean banana split” My boyfriend just laughed at me. I mean in my defense.. banana vanilla, vanilla banana, don’t they sound similar?? Anyone? But yes LA Zoo is definitely date approved… haha well at least for us.

And yeah I know I went a bit off topic.. but that’s just the way I like to ramble.   :]

Everything was great ..or so I thought

I feel as though by trusting people, I’m committing a fatal mistake. You would think that someone who loves you..would try their very best to not ever hurt you. At least that’s the way I am. That’s the way I thought it was. That’s the way I wish it was.

As much as I hate to realize, there are some people out there with delusional perceptions. People who say one thing and yet act another way. I confronted this person and all of the blame was immediately directed towards me. Not a sorry. Not one sense of guilt. Not even by seeing the look on my face… full of total disappointment. I’m not even sure of what’s worse anymore. The action itself… which devoured all of the remaining trust I had. Or the fact I actually wanted to believe in this person. Or in the reality that I actually believed.

Is life not about believing? Chasing something in which you believe. And I know failure is followed by the will to try again in hope of succeeding. But at what point is there a limit ..of changing ourselves to better our life in society. Shouldn’t people be themselves? Isn’t that what everyone is told? You’re too nice and you will get stepped on. You speak you’re mind and you’re a bitch. I’m a nice person. I like to believe that not all people are cruel, heartless, and selfish. I have some faith in humanity. I wear my heart on my sleeve.

Yet today, it seems as if being nice is actually a flaw. When all that blame was pointed towards me. Supposedly it was my fault for being nosy and actually going with my gut instinct. What I was told was “If you didn’t care about it, I wouldn’t do any of it. It’s when you tell me to not do it… that I actually get a thrill out of it.” What? I just love how all of the sudden it was my fault for actually caring. I can’t even comprehend the thought behind all of this. Who even is this person? Who am I becoming with this person?

I thought to myself… despite the hurt of it all, how much different is this with everyday life? Its as though we are expected to act a certain way to be accepted. Just how much of a different person does one have to become in order to succeed. And I know this may be speaking too broadly, but a person who succeeds has to compete with others and somewhere in their path..whether intentionally or on accident.. this person will screw people over just to get ahead. I suppose its only natural. But back to the issue. Here I am ultimately I can choose to forgive and obviously I would have to “not care” in order to succeed with this relationship. And then there is the other part of me.. which just screams stupidity.. how can I.. and why should I have to act a certain way just so that this person doesn’t do something which they should not be doing anyway. Are morals non existent to the world? Is there simply no right and wrong anymore? It just disgusts me what people think they have to put up with in order to work it out! It’s absurd and insane! And what is even more absurd is the fact that I’m actually questioning what I should do….. clearly when I already know what must be done. It’s just a sad thing how one easily can lose themselves. I can’t possibly love someone who can do this to me. It isn’t possible.

You lose respect. You lose trust. Without any of that a relationship isn’t possible. And people come and go. What causes most damage isn’t the person themselves but the emptiness you feel when all your dreams are shattered. All the “could have been” thoughts become more haunting than the actual dirty deed. And that emptiness slowly makes you lose a part of yourself each time… But whaddafux it! You only live once right? To feel pain as well as happiness is better than not feeling anything at all. Isn’t that the worst of all… to be numb to everything? As you can see I’m naturally optimistic. Flaw or not a flaw… who knows?