Have you ever seen the light?

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Photograph: Shay Mitchell by Derek Kettela

January 13, 2014

Each person has their own unique source of motivation, mainly I have met people who seek improvement to provide a better life for someone close to them. In my mind this is usually a parent caring for their child/children. I am single and therefore I believe I am unable to understand the magnificent connection between a mother/father’s love towards their child. My mother often tells me that it is an undeniable love that she feels towards us (my brothers and I), she would sacrifice an immense amount of herself for our happiness. To me it is an indescribable act of selflessness and it leaves me in disbelief the amount of effort parents put in, all for the benefit of their kids. I applaud all the parents who put their child first, before anything and anyone else in the world. In all honesty, I wish I had that type of endless motivation.

But… that is not the case and I’m not going to wait around in hopes that I get pregnant to finally find my source of motivation. That is a terrible idea. Despite how terrible it is, I am sure there are several people who have experienced it in living flesh, by accident or not. And who knows? Maybe it worked out for the best of everyone? That’s not what I want to speak about anyway.

A long time ago, years ago, I used to be able to breathe in motivation. I would close my eyes, take a deep breath, envision all that I wanted to accomplish and all of the happiness I wanted to spread, I would exhale and my heart would beat faster and faster, each time generating more love for others and a grand love for the world. And then as I would open my eyes, everything would shift becoming clearer than before. Now come to think of it, I had an undeniable love, for what? I don’t know. There was so much hope… 

…………So what happened? Like hell if I know. However it’s 110% sure that, that undeniable love, is long long long gone! That part of me vanished without any courtesy warning and it has left me famished, angry, and hopeless. Perhaps too many failures can eat your soul away, deteriorating your spirit little by little? I want to be full of hope again so bad. And I just cannot find any root of motivation. I say I will do things and instead I sit there, wasting away, without taking any form of action. It’s a sickness. Fear. Anxiety. How is it that I am so messed up and I cannot find it within myself to strive for something greater? I don’t know. But oh boy, do I miss that love. Fucking reality is a pain in the ass. Forgive the language but it is the truth. So many things have gone to shit and I just have to find a way to straighten EVERYTHING, at least that of which I have control of.

QUESTION: Does anyone experience this? Or is it just some bullshit in my mind? Can you relate in any way?

Is this what depression feels like? Maybe I should go see a psychiatrist and get medicine prescribed. I’ll behappy elly 2.1: new and improved.” No, that isn’t going to solve anything. Maybe it will, temporarily, but it won’t get to the root of the problem.

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     So what the hell are you going to do? 

That is a good question I ask myself. I suppose there isn’t an easy fix and I probably wouldn’t take it either way because I am too stubborn. I’m going to take it day by day and that’s about the only thing I can do, right? Being numb to the world is just about the most tragic way you can be.. I admit though, that I have found some way to kick start my motivation and although I do not label it as healthy motivation, it is better than nothing. And this my friends is competing against those former high schoolers who each time I view any of their new updates, I roll my eyes and go “eeehhhhhh” haha. I know this is completely unhealthy as I mentioned before and I am aware it is a bad habit to form. 🙂  My misery brings a wicked side to my personality as well. Mwahaha.

And I want to have better days, if she can do that then I can do greater, If he can have that, I can have greater, IF SHE CAN GO TO THE GYM ONCE A WEEK, I CAN GO FIVE DAYS A WEEK, Oh you cooked that? Hell I can cook this top notch meal, have a taste of my awesomeness. I wouldn’t post everything I would do better on FB, that is annoying, instead I would celebrate amongst myself and with you guys of course. So why not? What do you think?

And that’ll be all for today. I have rambled too much. 🙂 I started this around  10:31 P.M. and it is now 12:54 A.M.

I also kept replaying “Sam’s town” by The Killers.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YfUSjEE5BLk

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I have to PEE!

But I’m too lazy to get up from my bed and walk over to the restroom. Ahh. — So today was quite a lovely day. I adore this chilly, foggy, mystifying weather! I don’t know why but instead of feeling gloomy I feel cheerful, relaxed, and I just happen to love everything and everyone on these type of days! It is so strange. My mother, without a doubt hates chilly weather, she thinks it is depressing and it makes her uncomfortable. Well yet another difference between her and I haha. And I cannot hold it any longer! Ahhh — Okay back. What a great feeling of relief! Twice, I experienced that feeling today!

Well school went smoothly.. nothing unusual. I was stuck in traffic for two hours and did not make it to my tennis class. Bummer. Then after that I decided to study for my music midterm… which I kind of didn’t follow through. Haha instead I ended up reading Cosmopolitan in my car. I didn’t go to my art class… because like I said before I was supposed to study. But we now all know that did not happen. My who-i-like-to-call “stalker” text me asking if I was in class, I told him no of course —wow I just deleted half a paragraph I had written, ugh!— then he proceeded to flirt with me. And this time I actually flirted back but not the past-the-limit kinda flirting. Just friendly talk. I guess that’s what I mean when I say “flirting.” Because if I do recall I have been ignoring him like there’s no tomorrow. Haha.  Anyway so I think I managed to do decent on my midterm and that’s good considering I didn’t bother to study. Surprisingly I had a test for my Spanish class and I think I nailed it. Unless I happened to misread the instructions which I hope not. Also, I received my previous test back in which I scored an 86%. I was pretty pleased with that. 😀 Yay.

Well I was just so pleased with my school day that I didn’t quite want to head back home just yet. So I decided to pay a visit to my boyfriend, which by the way, I have a new perspective over our relationship. Now I understand he’s got his flaws… and I admit I have mine too. I figured, I’m over stressing-out about those flaws because simply put…. why bother? Consider this, I don’t know when exactly the relationship will be over or even if it will. The only thing I can predict or assume is that our relationship is only temporary. Now by saying that I can focus on the good characteristics that he has and I can enjoy our time spent together better. See by thinking it is only temporary I don’t stress about the whole is-he-right-for-me bullshit and is this who I want to spend the rest of my life nonsense. It just makes sense! And I can sure as hell get rid of all the over-thinking that I tend to do. Now I don’t know if its selfish to think of it that way, I guess I’m just doing it so save myself the trouble. Of course I do wish it to succeed but what do I know.

As I was saying before……  I went over to his house and I had told him I wanted to grab some coffee. There is this little cafe place by where he lives that I just adore. I love the atmosphere in there! Its like this comfy, indie, care-free cafe place where you can just chill out. It’s kind of the way chilly, foggy, mystifying days are… I just feel happy there. Well on our way there we walked into .. i don’t know Halloween store? We were looking at different costumes… seeing which ones seemed better.. getting ideas. Not the point I’m trying to make but fun, fun, fun. A guy who was working there asked me about my shirt.. which is a Roger Waters Live t-shirt I bought. He asked if I went and I told him yes. I was so excited when he asked me about it, my face instantly lighted up haha. He told me he had gone too. And my reply was “Really!!!!? How cool! Yeah it was great!” I looked over at my boyfriend… I almost forgot he was there from all the excitement I was sharing with this fellow Roger Waters fan 😉 hehe and I awkwardly said “Yeah! We went.” Then I friendly punched my boyfriend in the arm…? What for.. I have no idea but afterwards the guy smiled at me and slowly walked away. I’m now wondering if all this awkwardness was for real or if it was all just in my head. The guy was cute… shhh! Haha I wonder if my boyfriend got jealous.. but why would he?

-I am now having hunger pangs.. Ugh. It’s 1 in the morning, really?–  After we headed back to the car…drove to his house.. and he had mentioned he wanted to take me to this one road through the mountains. I noticed he seemed eager to go so I said why not? After all he was nice enough to put some gas into my car 🙂 Awe. Okay well driving up.. I told him, “Wouldn’t it be nice if there was a lot of fog right now?! It’ll look pretty.” And oh boy did I get what I wanted. This particular road has a lot of curves.. but this I found out after all-the-possible fog you can imagine appeared! I was shitting bricks. Hahaha. It was nonetheless completely beautiful. Imagine: a quiet, long, dark curvy road filled with a rich breeze of mysterious, calming air. Yet with every turn you make and behind every curve there is a feeling of fear. The fog is awe striking, alluring but simultaneously dangerous. The beautiful contrast of light between the blurry light-posts and the darkness around them. Unaware of what to focus on, from all that is available to see. Driving curve after curve, up high in the mountain, looking down below realizing that there is nothing below. Just fog. If you were to fall down… it would be an endless adventure into the fog. It then becomes creepy and all the beauty of the scenery disappears. Knowing that being close to something so beautiful can be so dangerous. And then again driving after another sharp curve.. you look down and you see the almost surreal view of the city lost within the foggy night. The blurry, shimmering, city lights… so many lights… so many people out there.. so many lives. This is definitely one hell of a rush and so many feelings at once. I became lost between fear and awe but it was definitely an unforgettable moment. Luckily I wasn’t the one driving it was my boyfriend… but oh boy I told him it was just as nerve-wrecking. Before every curve I would move my foot, as if I were the one driving trying to brake. Haha there were also beautiful houses along the road.. and I didn’t really pay much attention to those as it was too dark and the road was very narrow. My boyfriend didn’t either. o.O Haha! Rich people live there by the way.. but it was definitely somewhat of an eye opener. Just to compare the different lifestyles, it is rather amazing what some people have and don’t.

But anyhow that was a good drive, I told my boyfriend next time I’ll be the driver and he’ll be the passenger. See which one is worse. Of course I won’t be going 40 miles per hour like he was! I believe the speed limit was 20 miles per hour.. but I think I’m better off going 2 miles per hour! So beware you nice fellow, rich people trying to get to your homes, there will be a slow driver on the road. You have been warned 🙂 Well that’s all! Good day or what? I just love this weather, don’t you?