Have you ever seen the light?

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Photograph: Shay Mitchell by Derek Kettela

January 13, 2014

Each person has their own unique source of motivation, mainly I have met people who seek improvement to provide a better life for someone close to them. In my mind this is usually a parent caring for their child/children. I am single and therefore I believe I am unable to understand the magnificent connection between a mother/father’s love towards their child. My mother often tells me that it is an undeniable love that she feels towards us (my brothers and I), she would sacrifice an immense amount of herself for our happiness. To me it is an indescribable act of selflessness and it leaves me in disbelief the amount of effort parents put in, all for the benefit of their kids. I applaud all the parents who put their child first, before anything and anyone else in the world. In all honesty, I wish I had that type of endless motivation.

But… that is not the case and I’m not going to wait around in hopes that I get pregnant to finally find my source of motivation. That is a terrible idea. Despite how terrible it is, I am sure there are several people who have experienced it in living flesh, by accident or not. And who knows? Maybe it worked out for the best of everyone? That’s not what I want to speak about anyway.

A long time ago, years ago, I used to be able to breathe in motivation. I would close my eyes, take a deep breath, envision all that I wanted to accomplish and all of the happiness I wanted to spread, I would exhale and my heart would beat faster and faster, each time generating more love for others and a grand love for the world. And then as I would open my eyes, everything would shift becoming clearer than before. Now come to think of it, I had an undeniable love, for what? I don’t know. There was so much hope… 

…………So what happened? Like hell if I know. However it’s 110% sure that, that undeniable love, is long long long gone! That part of me vanished without any courtesy warning and it has left me famished, angry, and hopeless. Perhaps too many failures can eat your soul away, deteriorating your spirit little by little? I want to be full of hope again so bad. And I just cannot find any root of motivation. I say I will do things and instead I sit there, wasting away, without taking any form of action. It’s a sickness. Fear. Anxiety. How is it that I am so messed up and I cannot find it within myself to strive for something greater? I don’t know. But oh boy, do I miss that love. Fucking reality is a pain in the ass. Forgive the language but it is the truth. So many things have gone to shit and I just have to find a way to straighten EVERYTHING, at least that of which I have control of.

QUESTION: Does anyone experience this? Or is it just some bullshit in my mind? Can you relate in any way?

Is this what depression feels like? Maybe I should go see a psychiatrist and get medicine prescribed. I’ll behappy elly 2.1: new and improved.” No, that isn’t going to solve anything. Maybe it will, temporarily, but it won’t get to the root of the problem.

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     So what the hell are you going to do? 

That is a good question I ask myself. I suppose there isn’t an easy fix and I probably wouldn’t take it either way because I am too stubborn. I’m going to take it day by day and that’s about the only thing I can do, right? Being numb to the world is just about the most tragic way you can be.. I admit though, that I have found some way to kick start my motivation and although I do not label it as healthy motivation, it is better than nothing. And this my friends is competing against those former high schoolers who each time I view any of their new updates, I roll my eyes and go “eeehhhhhh” haha. I know this is completely unhealthy as I mentioned before and I am aware it is a bad habit to form. 🙂  My misery brings a wicked side to my personality as well. Mwahaha.

And I want to have better days, if she can do that then I can do greater, If he can have that, I can have greater, IF SHE CAN GO TO THE GYM ONCE A WEEK, I CAN GO FIVE DAYS A WEEK, Oh you cooked that? Hell I can cook this top notch meal, have a taste of my awesomeness. I wouldn’t post everything I would do better on FB, that is annoying, instead I would celebrate amongst myself and with you guys of course. So why not? What do you think?

And that’ll be all for today. I have rambled too much. 🙂 I started this around  10:31 P.M. and it is now 12:54 A.M.

I also kept replaying “Sam’s town” by The Killers.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YfUSjEE5BLk

A Hint of Wisdom Through A Dream (IMPORTANT: Please Read)

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I had the strangest dream..

Often I overlook these things and not pay any attention but this one was different. In it I revisited the hospital my uncle had been in while he was in critical condition, he was there for what seemed such an eternity..  Becoming familiar with an Intensive Care Unit setting and recognizing all of the nurses is by far the worst thing to ever happen to a person, at least in my experience. 

In this dream though, I walked towards the ICU room and upon entering I immediately looked at the bed my uncle had once been laying on before. I remember for a minute and I  have the clearest image in my head of the vital signs monitor placed to the right of his bed, his heart rate usually elevated side by side with his blood pressure, the medicine lines running from the IV to his veins, at the very least: a sedative, antibiotics, pain reliever, supplemental food, blood thinners.. On the opposite side of the bed, the respiratory machine leading into his trachea, at ease because a sedative would mean his numbers would remain normal for a bit. Just thinking of what was going on on the outside made me afraid of his ongoing state on the inside. I recall having to wear a mask, gloves, and a yellow gown to prevent the possibility of spreading any more infections as his body was becoming resistant to the antibiotics. 

As I finished staring at the empty sheets, I walked past his bed and I saw a familiar face at the end of the room, a friend’s mom. I had known who was in ICU but I had to see for myself. Getting closer I could hear far cries become more prominent and  I noticed they were all wearing gowns and masks. I gathered my set and put it on as I walked closely to the bed. I had grown apart from this friend due to circumstances and I felt an immense guilt as I saw their body laying on the bed motionless… With the same vitals machine and the respirator on their face, It brought back familiar feelings.

And I realized I had forgotten.. Just how easy it is to unintentionally ignore important people in our lives, unwilling to take a spare moment to ask how their day is going, it might not seem of higher significance but it makes all the difference. You may as well be the person to give them life altering advice, if anyone had asked or pushed my uncle to get those headaches checked at the doctor, his story might have been different with given medication. Ultimately who knows really? But I did want to share this, because once you see a loved one laying on a bed, vulnerable weak and fragile, connected to several machines……It becomes a situation out of your hands, out of your reach, a moment where you wish if only you had taken a different action beforehand-K