Have you ever seen the light?

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Photograph: Shay Mitchell by Derek Kettela

January 13, 2014

Each person has their own unique source of motivation, mainly I have met people who seek improvement to provide a better life for someone close to them. In my mind this is usually a parent caring for their child/children. I am single and therefore I believe I am unable to understand the magnificent connection between a mother/father’s love towards their child. My mother often tells me that it is an undeniable love that she feels towards us (my brothers and I), she would sacrifice an immense amount of herself for our happiness. To me it is an indescribable act of selflessness and it leaves me in disbelief the amount of effort parents put in, all for the benefit of their kids. I applaud all the parents who put their child first, before anything and anyone else in the world. In all honesty, I wish I had that type of endless motivation.

But… that is not the case and I’m not going to wait around in hopes that I get pregnant to finally find my source of motivation. That is a terrible idea. Despite how terrible it is, I am sure there are several people who have experienced it in living flesh, by accident or not. And who knows? Maybe it worked out for the best of everyone? That’s not what I want to speak about anyway.

A long time ago, years ago, I used to be able to breathe in motivation. I would close my eyes, take a deep breath, envision all that I wanted to accomplish and all of the happiness I wanted to spread, I would exhale and my heart would beat faster and faster, each time generating more love for others and a grand love for the world. And then as I would open my eyes, everything would shift becoming clearer than before. Now come to think of it, I had an undeniable love, for what? I don’t know. There was so much hope… 

…………So what happened? Like hell if I know. However it’s 110% sure that, that undeniable love, is long long long gone! That part of me vanished without any courtesy warning and it has left me famished, angry, and hopeless. Perhaps too many failures can eat your soul away, deteriorating your spirit little by little? I want to be full of hope again so bad. And I just cannot find any root of motivation. I say I will do things and instead I sit there, wasting away, without taking any form of action. It’s a sickness. Fear. Anxiety. How is it that I am so messed up and I cannot find it within myself to strive for something greater? I don’t know. But oh boy, do I miss that love. Fucking reality is a pain in the ass. Forgive the language but it is the truth. So many things have gone to shit and I just have to find a way to straighten EVERYTHING, at least that of which I have control of.

QUESTION: Does anyone experience this? Or is it just some bullshit in my mind? Can you relate in any way?

Is this what depression feels like? Maybe I should go see a psychiatrist and get medicine prescribed. I’ll behappy elly 2.1: new and improved.” No, that isn’t going to solve anything. Maybe it will, temporarily, but it won’t get to the root of the problem.

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     So what the hell are you going to do? 

That is a good question I ask myself. I suppose there isn’t an easy fix and I probably wouldn’t take it either way because I am too stubborn. I’m going to take it day by day and that’s about the only thing I can do, right? Being numb to the world is just about the most tragic way you can be.. I admit though, that I have found some way to kick start my motivation and although I do not label it as healthy motivation, it is better than nothing. And this my friends is competing against those former high schoolers who each time I view any of their new updates, I roll my eyes and go “eeehhhhhh” haha. I know this is completely unhealthy as I mentioned before and I am aware it is a bad habit to form. 🙂  My misery brings a wicked side to my personality as well. Mwahaha.

And I want to have better days, if she can do that then I can do greater, If he can have that, I can have greater, IF SHE CAN GO TO THE GYM ONCE A WEEK, I CAN GO FIVE DAYS A WEEK, Oh you cooked that? Hell I can cook this top notch meal, have a taste of my awesomeness. I wouldn’t post everything I would do better on FB, that is annoying, instead I would celebrate amongst myself and with you guys of course. So why not? What do you think?

And that’ll be all for today. I have rambled too much. 🙂 I started this around  10:31 P.M. and it is now 12:54 A.M.

I also kept replaying “Sam’s town” by The Killers.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YfUSjEE5BLk

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Eyes wide awake.

I would write on paper since that’s what I’m used to doing, however I’ve noticed that lately it’s been easier to type than to write with ink. Lazy? I think so. So nothing interesting has happened lately, I’m just writing for the sake of writing. Well we did get a new puppy, a Great Dane, and he is the most adorable thing. He reminds me a lot of Bandit.. Awe I miss him. He was the greatest furry friend, I tell you. I’m hoping soon he can start getting along with Keno, our 11 month German Shepherd. I find it so funny that the problem right now is that the puppy is too small to play with Keno…. and yet later on it’s going to be Keno who is the smaller one. Haha. I love those two. We have yet to come up with a name for the puppy. I was thinking Lucca? My little brothers however don’t feel the same way. I’m sure in the end we’ll find the right name! Hmm puppies are so adorable 🙂 Makes you all bubbly & happy being next to them.

       Besides that… I am on summer break! As I’m sure everyone else is.. well most. I’ve gone to the beach about 3 times now. That’s something I’m proud of haha 🙂 Especially since one of them was with my mom and little brother.. I really enjoyed that due to the reason that we don’t go out together as a family as much.  Hopefully I am able to do that again. I really want to get a summer job. But I’m not sure how well that would work out since I will be leaving to San Francisco in about three weeks. 😦  I love San Francisco, don’t get me wrong… I just think I will be needing a good amount of money for school and not to mention the ticket I have to pay off in October… That’s a while from now so I’m not that worried. School is what concerns me the most. And these tuition hikes are really bumming me out… Not to mention that I will be transferring to a school closer to home.. therefore I will be considered a new student, which means I’m not at the top priority when it comes to registering for classes. And If I fall any more behind… I’m going to have to seriously rethink things. I know how important the value of an education is and I would hate to have to leave it for financial reasons. … That’s why tomorrow I’ll be going out applying for jobs.

      I’ve been able to hang out with three different friends this summer. Not much… but taking into account the number of times that I’ve been able to hang out with them for the past year.. It is a massive increase. I don’t know why its become so difficult to just simply hang out? What is it seriously? Does everyone become so busy after high school that it’s just impossible to spend a good amount of time with old friends? I hope I can hang out with them again soon. I’m terribly guilty of procrastinating and it is absurd to think I had not met one of my closest friend’s baby daughter! How awful of a friend am I? She is what… about to be a year old in October? Ugh. Well at least I’ve met her now and she is a very adorable little girl.. I’m sure she had a fun time going out to the beach with us 🙂

     Let’s talk about the boyfriend now… I wonder if it’s me or if there’s actually others that think this way..but don’t you ever feel afraid of losing someone very valuable to you? It doesn’t necessarily have to be a boyfriend/girlfriend but also a friend or anyone close to you. And this is the crazy part… but I think somehow I am very fearful of this and for some unexplained reason I tend to distance myself from them. Intimacy issues? I don’t know… however it seems to me … that it is easier to push someone away by creating problems…picking at the old wounds …and making all of the issues escalate so that the person turns away from you. Doing all of that in order to avoid being abandoned.. Which only contradicts itself because by trying to turn them away from you… you are indeed being abandoned… But at least this time you know the cause of it and you are aware of it. Sounds crazy, doesn’t it? Haha. I’m not doing that now … but I have done it before. I guess I felt  at the time that I loved the person too much.. and eventually I hated myself for it, so  I decided that I rather have him hate me and stop talking to me… than to someday have him just altogether stop talking to me without any explainable reason. I think I’m crazy. Anyway that was a while ago, besides it was unrequited love which I think it means the feelings are even more intense. Because you long so much for that person to feel the same way as you do. And everything you play out in your mind becomes filled with these imaginary scenarios, all of these illusions you create of this person, and sometimes ..so intense that the person in real life is a complete different one than the one in your mind.. All are part of this illusion that you deeply desire.. Crazy right? Haha well this had nothing to do with my boyfriend. I just got a bit sidetracked.

   I’m not sure If I’m not trying enough? Or maybe I’m trying too much? I mean sometimes I tell myself I rather end it than to have all this confusion take any more of my time..but I become completely lost when I’m with him… that If I were to try to come up with a conclusion I would end up nowhere. I rather just live it day to day… and work with what I’ve got. At times its good and at times I much rather talk to a wall than to him. I suppose that is completely normal though. Boy, what I would do to spend one day in his shoes to see what he thinks about. Although I’m pretty sure it isn’t as complex as I’d like to think it is. Haha. But you never know right? I was at the beach with him and his friends this weekend and… I was recording him. Just because I thought It would be fun .. and I never had before.. besides why would you have a smart phone and not put it to use?! Well I played it later that day .. and as I was watching it my heart started beating slow and fast at the same time. Now I find it strange because I’ve not felt that way in a while. So it’s weird how while being apart in different cities, a simple recording can bring so much emotion. It’s just like a song, I suppose. But I had never experienced it before with a recording.. at least of him. And this helped me a bit on contemplating my feelings towards him. They’re there… they hide at times but they certainly are there. Haha. Right?!  I mean c’mon!  It is fascinating how you are able to gather a different perspective of a person from behind the camera. What I was unable to see at the moment, I saw later on in the day. Imagine how many different perspectives would change If I recorded everyone?  Or if everyone saw what each and every person in the world goes about during their day? If only I had some magical button where I would be able to know of a random person’s life…. I’ve always wondered how many are at a happy time of their lives… how many have hardships… how many have inspired or have done tremendous effort to help others… how many have had tragedies in their lives but yet continue to live on.. day by day… or the people that need some guidance in their lives… some attention… one good deed from a random person to uplift their spirits. Just think of how much one small, insignificant sign/action/gesture can impact that person even for just a day. If only we knew. Maybe people would try to be kinder to each other… :]

 

Well enough of that. Time to go to bed. Goodnight to all ❤ Sweet dreams.  -K