I feel different. alive. present. anew.

This has been a strange year so far…

I was in a car crash October 2013, It was a 3 vehicle collision; nothing too serious. Just a young teenager or adult who was going too fast on the road.. on the very first day that it rained. The roads must have been real slippery, I guess. It was enough to shake me up and I mean who wouldn’t be? I was less than a mile away from my home when it happened.. I suppose the reason why I find it strange is because you never really think something will EVER happen to you. I don’t know about you but I figured I was untouched on the highway or streets as long as I drove safe. Especially on rainy days which are my favorite.. or used to be. Now I find myself overly cautious when it rains, too paranoid, to worried to see the beauty of it while driving. Anyway I recall my brother telling me perfectly one day, that rainy days are the ones I should be extremely cautious about. I told him something around the lines “Oh but it’s fine, I drive safe, don’t worry” and he responded with the words that still linger in my head to this day… “It’s not you I’m worried about, it’s other people who you have to watch out for.” Hmm up until then It had never occurred to me that despite my safe driving, somebody else could still harm me. Naive? Perhaps, but I guess that’s a lesson I’ve now learned. 

Well, at the moment of the accident, initially I was completely out of it because I hit my head on the steering wheel. And yes I was wearing my seat belt, I don’t know why so many people assumed that I wasn’t. What moron drives without their seat belt? My head hurt and with my previous occurrence with strokes, inter-cranial bleeding, concussions, I decided to go to the hospital. I was taken in the ambulance and I truly regret that now. Not only was I laughed at in the hospital but It has cost me an immense headache and $2,000 which I still have not paid to this day. I’m in collections and my non existent credit couldn’t be any better. 

So it turned out that after numerous attempts trying to contact the other person’s insurance, it took them four lovely months to finally grow some balls and tell me that not only did the other person didn’t have an active insurance the day of the accident but that I was pretty much screwed and there was nothing else they could possibly do. The only thing there was left to do was to try to sue. I was so angry. How is it possible that not once could they have left a message telling me to stop wasting my time? And still today, I feel like they’re full of shit but I was so emotionally exhausted. Why did that happen? What was the reason? My car is still fucked up. I don’t even have the energy to go sue and for what? The court won’t even follow up with the case If i win, there’s no guarantee that I will receive my money, and then part of me wants to really screw this kid over and part of me just wants to let it go and forget all about it. Maybe I could just pay it all myself and hope that he learns his lesson. *sigh

Oh and by the way starting New Year’s Day, for some odd reason I started to bleed. My period? Well I suppose that’s what I thought too except that It kept going for ehh 2 months and then 3 and then 6 months. Pretty fucking strange. What the hell is wrong with me? Emotional stress from the accident? Who knows. I finally went to the doctor at one point and I was given the depo shot to stop the bleeding. It worked for about a month until I got my “period” and then I had the most severe cramps you could imagine. I was crying for 4 hours straight because I couldn’t stand the pain, it was as if my uterus was ready to explode. The pain was just too much, taking several breaths would help but my god it was horrible enough to say no more depo shot EVER AGAIN. And the reason why i had such severe cramps? Well not long after I noticed I had given birth to the BIGGEST BLOOD CLOT EVER. WTF? Now the bad part about it was that, I still had about 2 months left with the shot in my system AND my bleeding never stopped afterwards. So it was all for nothing. Close to $300 down the toilet because I don’t have insurance since the past August. Thankfully, a few months later I went to Planned Parenthood and I was given regular birth control and so far that has worked. Thank god. 

I’m a bit afraid that there’s still an underlying problem I don’t know about. It’s a good thing I’ll have health insurance pretty soon. I will go get checked out. Hopefully I’m ok. I do get cramps but it’s nothing extremely severe. I’m just not sure I wan’t to stay on the pill for so long, what if my body forgets how to ovulate and I never get my period.. Or what if I continue to bleed nonstop. Last time I was on the pill for 6 months my body became like clockwork after the pill. I was very happy about that. That was about 4 years ago. 

Four years…. on a happy note, my boyfriend and I now have four years together. I remember my high school teacher specifically saying that the fourth year in a relationship is the hardest, and if you make it after that dreaded fourth year.. everything will go smooth sailing. Hah. It’s only been four months since our anniversary and now I’m starting to wonder if she was right. We have been great so far but today he said that he doesn’t trust me, apparently he has trusted every single ex girlfriend of his but not me. Ok? I don’t even know how to react to that. But I don’t want to talk about either. So back to my teacher, apparently she and her boyfriend were high school sweethearts and they were having major problems that year. They decided to break up and they went off on their separate ways. She said they dated other people and all of that but in the end, she wasn’t all that happy. Eventually they had become accustomed to one another so bad that other people just weren’t enough. And so they met up and well she showed us pictures of her wedding on a boat, in Alaska, with her decorated, pink chucks under her white dress. Yeah, she was awesome. 

It feels as though he’s afraid of me. I’m not sure why though. That’s another story to discuss further down the road.

Lets fast forward to my summer. I received a call from my brother saying that he was really sick and he wanted me to go visit him. ASAP. I was really scared and I booked a bus for a 7 hour drive to his house immediately. This meant skipping out on my summer class but that was fine. He sounded so vulnerable, afraid and alone on the phone. I wanted to be there with him. 

On the drive over I created multiple scenarios in my head and all of them were from bad to worst. My other brother called me when i was still about 3 hours away and he let me know that my brother had been admitted to the hospital. Oh god. I won’t forget those feelings I had at that moment. I wouldn’t be able to bear going through what I had experienced with my uncle again. Especially my brother. I was trying to hold myself together at the thought of it. I HATED the hospital. I grew to despise the smell of it, everything about it makes me sick. And to think that my brother was in there? I won’t go into too many details but let’s just say that my brother dodged a bullet with what he got. It could have been fatal if it persisted further and I’m so grateful that he’s alive and doing fine. I helped him for about a month with his surgical wounds, I think that helped him so much. He was emotionally drained and I don’t blame him, he questioned why that had happened to him. What was the point? I sincerely felt like that was a message for me. That what had happened to him was for me to see, a wake up call, and I know that I had thought about it before. I had thought that If something were ever to happen to my brothers, I would completely lose it and I would feel guilty. And i did feel guilty, despite it being a completely random situation beyond my control, I felt as though things could have been different if I was different. Maybe he wouldn’t be so overworked and over stressed If I helped and contributed. What the hell have I been doing? I don’t know where my mind has been for the last four years, it’s as if I’ve been on complete auto pilot, I’ve been a zombie and frankly I’m fucking tired of it. 

That was a wake up call to me. It was for me to finally realize that if I don’t do something, the next funeral I attend will be someone’s who is extremely close to me, possibly my brother. I take it to heart because I simply believe that things happen for a reason. I still don’t know what the reason was for my uncle passing away nor what the whole point of giving us hope of him improving and then butchering it all away. But I suppose some things take longer than others to understand. 

I just don’t know what I would do if something worst was to happen. 

My family thinks of me as an extremely strong person, I don’t know why. I really don’t think I am, I just think I’m good at hiding my feelings… really… really good. Almost too good. But I do put a mask over myself and I pretend that I’m not as easily hurt as I may truly be. I’ve always been afraid to be perceived as weak and I think it has to do with being the only girl growing up with three brothers. 

Maybe my boyfriend wants me to be weak. 

But I don’t want to.

I’m attending school. I’m actually planning to be a full time student at two different schools. I may be a bit over my head but I feel the need to do this. I actually feel present with time and it’s something I haven’t felt in a while. My anxiety has improved greatly ever since I started practicing Pilates and it is a huge reason of why I’m planning to get certified. Psychology is still my official major but I have been contemplating switching to science, actual science, you know biology and stuff. Anyway this last paragraph is what I really wanted to talk about but I figured I’d start from the beginning. It is only August, mind you, the end of August but it’s not too late to improve this year so hopefully the next posts are more joyous. God I hope. 

Until then 

-k

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Have you ever seen the light?

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Photograph: Shay Mitchell by Derek Kettela

January 13, 2014

Each person has their own unique source of motivation, mainly I have met people who seek improvement to provide a better life for someone close to them. In my mind this is usually a parent caring for their child/children. I am single and therefore I believe I am unable to understand the magnificent connection between a mother/father’s love towards their child. My mother often tells me that it is an undeniable love that she feels towards us (my brothers and I), she would sacrifice an immense amount of herself for our happiness. To me it is an indescribable act of selflessness and it leaves me in disbelief the amount of effort parents put in, all for the benefit of their kids. I applaud all the parents who put their child first, before anything and anyone else in the world. In all honesty, I wish I had that type of endless motivation.

But… that is not the case and I’m not going to wait around in hopes that I get pregnant to finally find my source of motivation. That is a terrible idea. Despite how terrible it is, I am sure there are several people who have experienced it in living flesh, by accident or not. And who knows? Maybe it worked out for the best of everyone? That’s not what I want to speak about anyway.

A long time ago, years ago, I used to be able to breathe in motivation. I would close my eyes, take a deep breath, envision all that I wanted to accomplish and all of the happiness I wanted to spread, I would exhale and my heart would beat faster and faster, each time generating more love for others and a grand love for the world. And then as I would open my eyes, everything would shift becoming clearer than before. Now come to think of it, I had an undeniable love, for what? I don’t know. There was so much hope… 

…………So what happened? Like hell if I know. However it’s 110% sure that, that undeniable love, is long long long gone! That part of me vanished without any courtesy warning and it has left me famished, angry, and hopeless. Perhaps too many failures can eat your soul away, deteriorating your spirit little by little? I want to be full of hope again so bad. And I just cannot find any root of motivation. I say I will do things and instead I sit there, wasting away, without taking any form of action. It’s a sickness. Fear. Anxiety. How is it that I am so messed up and I cannot find it within myself to strive for something greater? I don’t know. But oh boy, do I miss that love. Fucking reality is a pain in the ass. Forgive the language but it is the truth. So many things have gone to shit and I just have to find a way to straighten EVERYTHING, at least that of which I have control of.

QUESTION: Does anyone experience this? Or is it just some bullshit in my mind? Can you relate in any way?

Is this what depression feels like? Maybe I should go see a psychiatrist and get medicine prescribed. I’ll behappy elly 2.1: new and improved.” No, that isn’t going to solve anything. Maybe it will, temporarily, but it won’t get to the root of the problem.

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     So what the hell are you going to do? 

That is a good question I ask myself. I suppose there isn’t an easy fix and I probably wouldn’t take it either way because I am too stubborn. I’m going to take it day by day and that’s about the only thing I can do, right? Being numb to the world is just about the most tragic way you can be.. I admit though, that I have found some way to kick start my motivation and although I do not label it as healthy motivation, it is better than nothing. And this my friends is competing against those former high schoolers who each time I view any of their new updates, I roll my eyes and go “eeehhhhhh” haha. I know this is completely unhealthy as I mentioned before and I am aware it is a bad habit to form. 🙂  My misery brings a wicked side to my personality as well. Mwahaha.

And I want to have better days, if she can do that then I can do greater, If he can have that, I can have greater, IF SHE CAN GO TO THE GYM ONCE A WEEK, I CAN GO FIVE DAYS A WEEK, Oh you cooked that? Hell I can cook this top notch meal, have a taste of my awesomeness. I wouldn’t post everything I would do better on FB, that is annoying, instead I would celebrate amongst myself and with you guys of course. So why not? What do you think?

And that’ll be all for today. I have rambled too much. 🙂 I started this around  10:31 P.M. and it is now 12:54 A.M.

I also kept replaying “Sam’s town” by The Killers.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YfUSjEE5BLk

Love life strikes

Why would you text me…?

Why make it that much harder?

I don’t want us to pretend like you’ll end up by my door, convincing me to return to you, because we both know that you won’t..

And for once I know I won’t. I’m tired of doing all the chasing and all the settling for us. 

Despite my feelings, how can I ever return knowing you will always look at us.. look at me as the damned one.. As if “with you I can tell our relationship will just end up being horrible, I can see it, we won’t make it down the road, I’m just saying it won’t be good because you can’t change” are words I could take lightly.
..and no I can’t change, if you expect me to become a voiceless, pushover, girlfriend then obviously you are right.
Whatever I had said before about it being okay that we were complete opposites, that I always knew from the beginning, only I embraced it and you did not. I now I take it back. I can’t be that person you want me to be. It’s just that simple.
And I find it unbelievable that you can “perfectly” predict such a future about us based on our disability to like the same things or voice the same opinions. Since when was it mandatory to be an exact twin of your significant other?
Well now, 
You got one thing right, except your timing was a bit off because fortunately for you,
We won’t ever know now whether things would have worked between us, maybe they could have. 
I mean I’ve spent three years with you, we must have been doing something right…. I’m just not and I won’t ever change into that person you want me to be. 
What would the point of happiness and harmony between us be if I’m not myself, if i am not who I really am?
Can you really say you love me then…

The end of one life but the beginning of another.

It’s been a while since I have written anything. So much has happened and my family has gone through so much.. When I even start to progress everything I remain in disbelief. If you would have told me all this that would happen last year, exactly today… I wouldn’t believe it. I had looked upon 2012 as the year of new beginnings, 2011 wasn’t exactly a good year for me but now come to think of it, things were better off. My uncle was still among us..

It’s hard to imagine what my father must be going through, I’m reluctant to even try. All of that hoping, praying, that somehow my uncle would improve, even by just a bit. When his eyes would meet ours and he would blink in approval, we had a sense of hope. We knew that this was far from improvement but it was something nonetheless. I can’t get it through my head, the way we managed to get our hopes up and just like the snap of a finger, crushed. It’s so sad. So unfair… The way he had to suffer, being trapped within your own body, unable to communicate, not knowing when it was all going to be over and if it should ever end. For what purpose did this happen? 

I am aware our family is dysfunctional in its own ways, but what family is perfect out there? I’ve not heard of anyone who has perfect brothers, sisters, cousins, a perfect mother, or a perfect dad. There always will be a minor flaw at the very least. Our family is very distant from one another, communication is scarce. Due to circumstances we all managed to bond but all under difficult matters. Not the right reasons. 

If it’s anything, I am at least glad that my uncle isn’t suffering any longer. Those last days at the hospital were extremely horrible. I felt so useless as I am sure everyone in my family did, being unable to do anything to help him. It is such a terrible, empty, and painful feeling. So magnificent in the horror that it is why we even thought of the idea of letting him go. At that moment I was sure of it, 110% that I would follow through and support my family however a small part of me didn’t want to, a small part of me was still hoping that somehow miraculously he would improve overnight. We called everyone and let everybody know what the situation was and due to paperwork it would be done the next day. Well come that very next day my uncle was being more responsive to the the medicine and we were glad that we had waited. This was good. This was real good. 

On Thursday the 8th of November, It was my boyfriend’s birthday and I had planned all week long to visit him, bake a cake, have a special time with him on his special day. I spent the whole day looking for something to buy him, I didn’t have sufficient money so I was making sure I spent it wisely. My older brother who came from San Francisco was with us at the house and he asked me before I left “What about your grandparents? Are they at the hospital alone?” Without putting any thought to it i said “Yes they are, they’ve always been alone with him.” He said, “I don’t think they should, what if god forbid Marcelo dies? What is going to happen with them? Who will be there with them? They’re old and they shouldn’t be alone.” I was thinking about everything I had planned beforehand and I decided to listen to him, my boyfriend would understand, so I told him I’d just stop by to run some errands and then I would leave. That’s exactly what I did. I was about 15 minutes away from the hospital when my brother called asking where I was, he said that Marcelo had gotten way worse and that they were going to leave soon, my heart dropped, this can’t be? I live about an hour away from the hospital so for now I knew it would only be my grandparents and I. As soon as I walked in to the waiting room and they saw me I could see the sadness in their watery eyes. It was such a terrible feeling. I told him I would go talk to the doctor and see what was wrong with him. “They’re doing an exam on him, we can’t go in.” grandma said. I said “okay then, I’m going to go to the restroom real quick, I’ll come back.”

As I exited the restroom I turned the corner to walk down the hall and I saw the security guard, a doctor, an interpreter, and my grandparents standing. I rushed over as quickly as I could and I immediately put my full attention. “Marcelo has been very bad, very sick, his body is extremely tired and weak, his heart… is pumping extremely fast, his blood pressure dropped very low, and his heart stopped…he suffered a cardiac arrest..   …. we were able to resuscitate him and we have a pulse again. However he is extremely sick, I don’t think he will make it through the night, we are giving him medication so that his pressure doesn’t drop again, but he is very sick, I don’t think he will make it through tonight. You make sure you tell them that. I’m sorry.” I was so relieved to know he hadn’t passed away then, with both of my grandparents and just me, I don’t think I’d be strong enough to have that happen then. I called my brother immediately and let him know, he told me to call my dad but to not tell him about the heart attack until he was at the hospital. Oh dear… what was going to happen?

I know that my uncle was able to hear us while we were next to him and I know for a fact that he could understand us. I noticed this by watching the way he reacted while the nurse and my dad had a conversation inside the room he was in. My dad would say that Marcelo no longer understood and that he wasn’t there with us anymore. I never liked them having such conversations inside with Marcelo. I saw his blood pressure rise and he would get agitated. It is almost like saying you’ve given hope on them and I never liked to do that. To have to argue with nurses, doctors, everyone that would say he didn’t understand us, it was painful. But that last night I saw him, my heart ached and I didn’t know for the very first time if he was indeed with us, he was so sick, breathing extremely fast, eyes wide open, sweat all over his face and his body, his stare would break my heart, to not know what he thought or the pain he could possibly have that we were unaware of. It’s hard to type this because I had never felt so many emotions before all at once. 

My dad had gone into ICU with my grandma, we were all in the waiting room and everyone was there, well at least everyone that had to be there, all except my cousin and my aunt. My cousin was at work and he was desperately trying to get someone to cover for him. My aunt on the other hand, my mom had called her, telling her it was very important and crucial that she was there with us. My grandparents needed her, my dad needed her, I don’t know why she wasn’t there… Her brother was at his last breaths and she was not there with us. I have no idea why, but that’s her business nonetheless. And then it happened, the security came asking if we were the relatives and he said for everyone to follow him into the ICU room. We started walking and as we went my brother who was ahead of me looked back and stared at me. As we walked into ICU I could see my grandma sitting on a chair, my dad stood up walked towards my brother and began to cry. I had never seen him cry so hard, I looked over and the nurse was standing next to my uncle, the machines were all off except the ventilator. My grandma started sobbing, everyone started tearing up, all except me. For some reason I just couldn’t, It’s not that I didn’t feel sad because I was tremendously sad but I wasn’t able to. I went to my grandma and I hugged her, I let her cry on me. I was trying to comfort everyone else, but why wasn’t I crying? Was I in shock? I’m not ever going to forget that moment of complete sadness. I would watch over my uncles body…”He is no longer with us, that’s just the ventilator breathing for him.” His eyes were still open and his chest was still pumping, my mind wasn’t able to comprehend that he was no longer with us. Not then, not now. 

There are so many things I am unable to understand, many things left unsaid, and too many emotions happening all at once but I will never forget that night, I won’t ever forget everything that happened, and I will never forget my uncle. He was such a charming, young man, so active, intelligent and eager to help his own people out. I always looked at him as inspiration and I regret not ever letting him know. He would always smile no matter what and that is how I’m going to remember him, I have no idea why things happened the way they did. I sure as hell don’t think he deserved that, and I sure as hell don’t think it was time for him to go. He was so healthy too. My grandparents are so strong, my dad is immensely strong, if anything I know we have to unite more as a family and stop taking people for granted because you truly don’t know when your last breath will be or how much more time you really have to spend with that someone special. We get so accustomed to the way things are that we start to think they won’t ever change, but that’s all an illusion we make for our own peace of mind. I just hope I am able surpass my own battles in order to help out my family, but that will be another post. Uncle, I hope you are much better wherever it is that you are, everyone loves you, and we will miss you an incredible amount, I still can’t believe you’re not here with us. An interesting thing… the week after this all happened, my younger brother who studies at San Jose University was unable to attend my uncles viewing. And as I’m looking at my uncles body at his viewing my cousin started telling me that my brother had a dream of my uncle. In the dream my uncle was laughing, walking, and he looked so happy.. he told my brother that everything was alright, everything was going to be okay, and that he was in a better place now, that he loves us all. For what its worth, through everything that had happened, when I heard those words coming out of my cousin’s mouth, my heart warmed up…I looked at my uncle again and that day I let all of my feelings lose, every single emotion out, I was one with everyone of my family, connected through all of these intense feelings, and we weren’t alone at all because we had each other. And no matter what, we will always have each other until the very last days. 2012 is a year we won’t ever forget, not from what he had hoped to remember of, nonetheless I have trust that things happen for a reason and I want to believe that my uncle’s death will not be in vain. I will make it my mission to bring my family together. And I won’t take my parents, brothers, relatives for granted, I will make the best of the time that I have and I won’t waste my own time anymore. This is the time for the growth I’ve long been running from, and it is the time now before anyone else gets hurt. Beginning 2013 I will make every effort towards a new outlook and a new way of life, I promise that to you… uncle<3

Rest In Peace Uncle Marcelo

04/26/1968-11/08/2012

Your beautiful soul will never be forgotten, but it will instead live within all of us, everyday…. for as long as we live uncle, and every time we see a light shining through the darkness, we will think of you, always there watching over us and guiding us, we love you Marcelo. Image

  

Eyes wide awake.

I would write on paper since that’s what I’m used to doing, however I’ve noticed that lately it’s been easier to type than to write with ink. Lazy? I think so. So nothing interesting has happened lately, I’m just writing for the sake of writing. Well we did get a new puppy, a Great Dane, and he is the most adorable thing. He reminds me a lot of Bandit.. Awe I miss him. He was the greatest furry friend, I tell you. I’m hoping soon he can start getting along with Keno, our 11 month German Shepherd. I find it so funny that the problem right now is that the puppy is too small to play with Keno…. and yet later on it’s going to be Keno who is the smaller one. Haha. I love those two. We have yet to come up with a name for the puppy. I was thinking Lucca? My little brothers however don’t feel the same way. I’m sure in the end we’ll find the right name! Hmm puppies are so adorable 🙂 Makes you all bubbly & happy being next to them.

       Besides that… I am on summer break! As I’m sure everyone else is.. well most. I’ve gone to the beach about 3 times now. That’s something I’m proud of haha 🙂 Especially since one of them was with my mom and little brother.. I really enjoyed that due to the reason that we don’t go out together as a family as much.  Hopefully I am able to do that again. I really want to get a summer job. But I’m not sure how well that would work out since I will be leaving to San Francisco in about three weeks. 😦  I love San Francisco, don’t get me wrong… I just think I will be needing a good amount of money for school and not to mention the ticket I have to pay off in October… That’s a while from now so I’m not that worried. School is what concerns me the most. And these tuition hikes are really bumming me out… Not to mention that I will be transferring to a school closer to home.. therefore I will be considered a new student, which means I’m not at the top priority when it comes to registering for classes. And If I fall any more behind… I’m going to have to seriously rethink things. I know how important the value of an education is and I would hate to have to leave it for financial reasons. … That’s why tomorrow I’ll be going out applying for jobs.

      I’ve been able to hang out with three different friends this summer. Not much… but taking into account the number of times that I’ve been able to hang out with them for the past year.. It is a massive increase. I don’t know why its become so difficult to just simply hang out? What is it seriously? Does everyone become so busy after high school that it’s just impossible to spend a good amount of time with old friends? I hope I can hang out with them again soon. I’m terribly guilty of procrastinating and it is absurd to think I had not met one of my closest friend’s baby daughter! How awful of a friend am I? She is what… about to be a year old in October? Ugh. Well at least I’ve met her now and she is a very adorable little girl.. I’m sure she had a fun time going out to the beach with us 🙂

     Let’s talk about the boyfriend now… I wonder if it’s me or if there’s actually others that think this way..but don’t you ever feel afraid of losing someone very valuable to you? It doesn’t necessarily have to be a boyfriend/girlfriend but also a friend or anyone close to you. And this is the crazy part… but I think somehow I am very fearful of this and for some unexplained reason I tend to distance myself from them. Intimacy issues? I don’t know… however it seems to me … that it is easier to push someone away by creating problems…picking at the old wounds …and making all of the issues escalate so that the person turns away from you. Doing all of that in order to avoid being abandoned.. Which only contradicts itself because by trying to turn them away from you… you are indeed being abandoned… But at least this time you know the cause of it and you are aware of it. Sounds crazy, doesn’t it? Haha. I’m not doing that now … but I have done it before. I guess I felt  at the time that I loved the person too much.. and eventually I hated myself for it, so  I decided that I rather have him hate me and stop talking to me… than to someday have him just altogether stop talking to me without any explainable reason. I think I’m crazy. Anyway that was a while ago, besides it was unrequited love which I think it means the feelings are even more intense. Because you long so much for that person to feel the same way as you do. And everything you play out in your mind becomes filled with these imaginary scenarios, all of these illusions you create of this person, and sometimes ..so intense that the person in real life is a complete different one than the one in your mind.. All are part of this illusion that you deeply desire.. Crazy right? Haha well this had nothing to do with my boyfriend. I just got a bit sidetracked.

   I’m not sure If I’m not trying enough? Or maybe I’m trying too much? I mean sometimes I tell myself I rather end it than to have all this confusion take any more of my time..but I become completely lost when I’m with him… that If I were to try to come up with a conclusion I would end up nowhere. I rather just live it day to day… and work with what I’ve got. At times its good and at times I much rather talk to a wall than to him. I suppose that is completely normal though. Boy, what I would do to spend one day in his shoes to see what he thinks about. Although I’m pretty sure it isn’t as complex as I’d like to think it is. Haha. But you never know right? I was at the beach with him and his friends this weekend and… I was recording him. Just because I thought It would be fun .. and I never had before.. besides why would you have a smart phone and not put it to use?! Well I played it later that day .. and as I was watching it my heart started beating slow and fast at the same time. Now I find it strange because I’ve not felt that way in a while. So it’s weird how while being apart in different cities, a simple recording can bring so much emotion. It’s just like a song, I suppose. But I had never experienced it before with a recording.. at least of him. And this helped me a bit on contemplating my feelings towards him. They’re there… they hide at times but they certainly are there. Haha. Right?!  I mean c’mon!  It is fascinating how you are able to gather a different perspective of a person from behind the camera. What I was unable to see at the moment, I saw later on in the day. Imagine how many different perspectives would change If I recorded everyone?  Or if everyone saw what each and every person in the world goes about during their day? If only I had some magical button where I would be able to know of a random person’s life…. I’ve always wondered how many are at a happy time of their lives… how many have hardships… how many have inspired or have done tremendous effort to help others… how many have had tragedies in their lives but yet continue to live on.. day by day… or the people that need some guidance in their lives… some attention… one good deed from a random person to uplift their spirits. Just think of how much one small, insignificant sign/action/gesture can impact that person even for just a day. If only we knew. Maybe people would try to be kinder to each other… :]

 

Well enough of that. Time to go to bed. Goodnight to all ❤ Sweet dreams.  -K

I have to PEE!

But I’m too lazy to get up from my bed and walk over to the restroom. Ahh. — So today was quite a lovely day. I adore this chilly, foggy, mystifying weather! I don’t know why but instead of feeling gloomy I feel cheerful, relaxed, and I just happen to love everything and everyone on these type of days! It is so strange. My mother, without a doubt hates chilly weather, she thinks it is depressing and it makes her uncomfortable. Well yet another difference between her and I haha. And I cannot hold it any longer! Ahhh — Okay back. What a great feeling of relief! Twice, I experienced that feeling today!

Well school went smoothly.. nothing unusual. I was stuck in traffic for two hours and did not make it to my tennis class. Bummer. Then after that I decided to study for my music midterm… which I kind of didn’t follow through. Haha instead I ended up reading Cosmopolitan in my car. I didn’t go to my art class… because like I said before I was supposed to study. But we now all know that did not happen. My who-i-like-to-call “stalker” text me asking if I was in class, I told him no of course —wow I just deleted half a paragraph I had written, ugh!— then he proceeded to flirt with me. And this time I actually flirted back but not the past-the-limit kinda flirting. Just friendly talk. I guess that’s what I mean when I say “flirting.” Because if I do recall I have been ignoring him like there’s no tomorrow. Haha.  Anyway so I think I managed to do decent on my midterm and that’s good considering I didn’t bother to study. Surprisingly I had a test for my Spanish class and I think I nailed it. Unless I happened to misread the instructions which I hope not. Also, I received my previous test back in which I scored an 86%. I was pretty pleased with that. 😀 Yay.

Well I was just so pleased with my school day that I didn’t quite want to head back home just yet. So I decided to pay a visit to my boyfriend, which by the way, I have a new perspective over our relationship. Now I understand he’s got his flaws… and I admit I have mine too. I figured, I’m over stressing-out about those flaws because simply put…. why bother? Consider this, I don’t know when exactly the relationship will be over or even if it will. The only thing I can predict or assume is that our relationship is only temporary. Now by saying that I can focus on the good characteristics that he has and I can enjoy our time spent together better. See by thinking it is only temporary I don’t stress about the whole is-he-right-for-me bullshit and is this who I want to spend the rest of my life nonsense. It just makes sense! And I can sure as hell get rid of all the over-thinking that I tend to do. Now I don’t know if its selfish to think of it that way, I guess I’m just doing it so save myself the trouble. Of course I do wish it to succeed but what do I know.

As I was saying before……  I went over to his house and I had told him I wanted to grab some coffee. There is this little cafe place by where he lives that I just adore. I love the atmosphere in there! Its like this comfy, indie, care-free cafe place where you can just chill out. It’s kind of the way chilly, foggy, mystifying days are… I just feel happy there. Well on our way there we walked into .. i don’t know Halloween store? We were looking at different costumes… seeing which ones seemed better.. getting ideas. Not the point I’m trying to make but fun, fun, fun. A guy who was working there asked me about my shirt.. which is a Roger Waters Live t-shirt I bought. He asked if I went and I told him yes. I was so excited when he asked me about it, my face instantly lighted up haha. He told me he had gone too. And my reply was “Really!!!!? How cool! Yeah it was great!” I looked over at my boyfriend… I almost forgot he was there from all the excitement I was sharing with this fellow Roger Waters fan 😉 hehe and I awkwardly said “Yeah! We went.” Then I friendly punched my boyfriend in the arm…? What for.. I have no idea but afterwards the guy smiled at me and slowly walked away. I’m now wondering if all this awkwardness was for real or if it was all just in my head. The guy was cute… shhh! Haha I wonder if my boyfriend got jealous.. but why would he?

-I am now having hunger pangs.. Ugh. It’s 1 in the morning, really?–  After we headed back to the car…drove to his house.. and he had mentioned he wanted to take me to this one road through the mountains. I noticed he seemed eager to go so I said why not? After all he was nice enough to put some gas into my car 🙂 Awe. Okay well driving up.. I told him, “Wouldn’t it be nice if there was a lot of fog right now?! It’ll look pretty.” And oh boy did I get what I wanted. This particular road has a lot of curves.. but this I found out after all-the-possible fog you can imagine appeared! I was shitting bricks. Hahaha. It was nonetheless completely beautiful. Imagine: a quiet, long, dark curvy road filled with a rich breeze of mysterious, calming air. Yet with every turn you make and behind every curve there is a feeling of fear. The fog is awe striking, alluring but simultaneously dangerous. The beautiful contrast of light between the blurry light-posts and the darkness around them. Unaware of what to focus on, from all that is available to see. Driving curve after curve, up high in the mountain, looking down below realizing that there is nothing below. Just fog. If you were to fall down… it would be an endless adventure into the fog. It then becomes creepy and all the beauty of the scenery disappears. Knowing that being close to something so beautiful can be so dangerous. And then again driving after another sharp curve.. you look down and you see the almost surreal view of the city lost within the foggy night. The blurry, shimmering, city lights… so many lights… so many people out there.. so many lives. This is definitely one hell of a rush and so many feelings at once. I became lost between fear and awe but it was definitely an unforgettable moment. Luckily I wasn’t the one driving it was my boyfriend… but oh boy I told him it was just as nerve-wrecking. Before every curve I would move my foot, as if I were the one driving trying to brake. Haha there were also beautiful houses along the road.. and I didn’t really pay much attention to those as it was too dark and the road was very narrow. My boyfriend didn’t either. o.O Haha! Rich people live there by the way.. but it was definitely somewhat of an eye opener. Just to compare the different lifestyles, it is rather amazing what some people have and don’t.

But anyhow that was a good drive, I told my boyfriend next time I’ll be the driver and he’ll be the passenger. See which one is worse. Of course I won’t be going 40 miles per hour like he was! I believe the speed limit was 20 miles per hour.. but I think I’m better off going 2 miles per hour! So beware you nice fellow, rich people trying to get to your homes, there will be a slow driver on the road. You have been warned 🙂 Well that’s all! Good day or what? I just love this weather, don’t you?

Everything was great ..or so I thought

I feel as though by trusting people, I’m committing a fatal mistake. You would think that someone who loves you..would try their very best to not ever hurt you. At least that’s the way I am. That’s the way I thought it was. That’s the way I wish it was.

As much as I hate to realize, there are some people out there with delusional perceptions. People who say one thing and yet act another way. I confronted this person and all of the blame was immediately directed towards me. Not a sorry. Not one sense of guilt. Not even by seeing the look on my face… full of total disappointment. I’m not even sure of what’s worse anymore. The action itself… which devoured all of the remaining trust I had. Or the fact I actually wanted to believe in this person. Or in the reality that I actually believed.

Is life not about believing? Chasing something in which you believe. And I know failure is followed by the will to try again in hope of succeeding. But at what point is there a limit ..of changing ourselves to better our life in society. Shouldn’t people be themselves? Isn’t that what everyone is told? You’re too nice and you will get stepped on. You speak you’re mind and you’re a bitch. I’m a nice person. I like to believe that not all people are cruel, heartless, and selfish. I have some faith in humanity. I wear my heart on my sleeve.

Yet today, it seems as if being nice is actually a flaw. When all that blame was pointed towards me. Supposedly it was my fault for being nosy and actually going with my gut instinct. What I was told was “If you didn’t care about it, I wouldn’t do any of it. It’s when you tell me to not do it… that I actually get a thrill out of it.” What? I just love how all of the sudden it was my fault for actually caring. I can’t even comprehend the thought behind all of this. Who even is this person? Who am I becoming with this person?

I thought to myself… despite the hurt of it all, how much different is this with everyday life? Its as though we are expected to act a certain way to be accepted. Just how much of a different person does one have to become in order to succeed. And I know this may be speaking too broadly, but a person who succeeds has to compete with others and somewhere in their path..whether intentionally or on accident.. this person will screw people over just to get ahead. I suppose its only natural. But back to the issue. Here I am ultimately I can choose to forgive and obviously I would have to “not care” in order to succeed with this relationship. And then there is the other part of me.. which just screams stupidity.. how can I.. and why should I have to act a certain way just so that this person doesn’t do something which they should not be doing anyway. Are morals non existent to the world? Is there simply no right and wrong anymore? It just disgusts me what people think they have to put up with in order to work it out! It’s absurd and insane! And what is even more absurd is the fact that I’m actually questioning what I should do….. clearly when I already know what must be done. It’s just a sad thing how one easily can lose themselves. I can’t possibly love someone who can do this to me. It isn’t possible.

You lose respect. You lose trust. Without any of that a relationship isn’t possible. And people come and go. What causes most damage isn’t the person themselves but the emptiness you feel when all your dreams are shattered. All the “could have been” thoughts become more haunting than the actual dirty deed. And that emptiness slowly makes you lose a part of yourself each time… But whaddafux it! You only live once right? To feel pain as well as happiness is better than not feeling anything at all. Isn’t that the worst of all… to be numb to everything? As you can see I’m naturally optimistic. Flaw or not a flaw… who knows?