I feel different. alive. present. anew.

This has been a strange year so far…

I was in a car crash October 2013, It was a 3 vehicle collision; nothing too serious. Just a young teenager or adult who was going too fast on the road.. on the very first day that it rained. The roads must have been real slippery, I guess. It was enough to shake me up and I mean who wouldn’t be? I was less than a mile away from my home when it happened.. I suppose the reason why I find it strange is because you never really think something will EVER happen to you. I don’t know about you but I figured I was untouched on the highway or streets as long as I drove safe. Especially on rainy days which are my favorite.. or used to be. Now I find myself overly cautious when it rains, too paranoid, to worried to see the beauty of it while driving. Anyway I recall my brother telling me perfectly one day, that rainy days are the ones I should be extremely cautious about. I told him something around the lines “Oh but it’s fine, I drive safe, don’t worry” and he responded with the words that still linger in my head to this day… “It’s not you I’m worried about, it’s other people who you have to watch out for.” Hmm up until then It had never occurred to me that despite my safe driving, somebody else could still harm me. Naive? Perhaps, but I guess that’s a lesson I’ve now learned. 

Well, at the moment of the accident, initially I was completely out of it because I hit my head on the steering wheel. And yes I was wearing my seat belt, I don’t know why so many people assumed that I wasn’t. What moron drives without their seat belt? My head hurt and with my previous occurrence with strokes, inter-cranial bleeding, concussions, I decided to go to the hospital. I was taken in the ambulance and I truly regret that now. Not only was I laughed at in the hospital but It has cost me an immense headache and $2,000 which I still have not paid to this day. I’m in collections and my non existent credit couldn’t be any better. 

So it turned out that after numerous attempts trying to contact the other person’s insurance, it took them four lovely months to finally grow some balls and tell me that not only did the other person didn’t have an active insurance the day of the accident but that I was pretty much screwed and there was nothing else they could possibly do. The only thing there was left to do was to try to sue. I was so angry. How is it possible that not once could they have left a message telling me to stop wasting my time? And still today, I feel like they’re full of shit but I was so emotionally exhausted. Why did that happen? What was the reason? My car is still fucked up. I don’t even have the energy to go sue and for what? The court won’t even follow up with the case If i win, there’s no guarantee that I will receive my money, and then part of me wants to really screw this kid over and part of me just wants to let it go and forget all about it. Maybe I could just pay it all myself and hope that he learns his lesson. *sigh

Oh and by the way starting New Year’s Day, for some odd reason I started to bleed. My period? Well I suppose that’s what I thought too except that It kept going for ehh 2 months and then 3 and then 6 months. Pretty fucking strange. What the hell is wrong with me? Emotional stress from the accident? Who knows. I finally went to the doctor at one point and I was given the depo shot to stop the bleeding. It worked for about a month until I got my “period” and then I had the most severe cramps you could imagine. I was crying for 4 hours straight because I couldn’t stand the pain, it was as if my uterus was ready to explode. The pain was just too much, taking several breaths would help but my god it was horrible enough to say no more depo shot EVER AGAIN. And the reason why i had such severe cramps? Well not long after I noticed I had given birth to the BIGGEST BLOOD CLOT EVER. WTF? Now the bad part about it was that, I still had about 2 months left with the shot in my system AND my bleeding never stopped afterwards. So it was all for nothing. Close to $300 down the toilet because I don’t have insurance since the past August. Thankfully, a few months later I went to Planned Parenthood and I was given regular birth control and so far that has worked. Thank god. 

I’m a bit afraid that there’s still an underlying problem I don’t know about. It’s a good thing I’ll have health insurance pretty soon. I will go get checked out. Hopefully I’m ok. I do get cramps but it’s nothing extremely severe. I’m just not sure I wan’t to stay on the pill for so long, what if my body forgets how to ovulate and I never get my period.. Or what if I continue to bleed nonstop. Last time I was on the pill for 6 months my body became like clockwork after the pill. I was very happy about that. That was about 4 years ago. 

Four years…. on a happy note, my boyfriend and I now have four years together. I remember my high school teacher specifically saying that the fourth year in a relationship is the hardest, and if you make it after that dreaded fourth year.. everything will go smooth sailing. Hah. It’s only been four months since our anniversary and now I’m starting to wonder if she was right. We have been great so far but today he said that he doesn’t trust me, apparently he has trusted every single ex girlfriend of his but not me. Ok? I don’t even know how to react to that. But I don’t want to talk about either. So back to my teacher, apparently she and her boyfriend were high school sweethearts and they were having major problems that year. They decided to break up and they went off on their separate ways. She said they dated other people and all of that but in the end, she wasn’t all that happy. Eventually they had become accustomed to one another so bad that other people just weren’t enough. And so they met up and well she showed us pictures of her wedding on a boat, in Alaska, with her decorated, pink chucks under her white dress. Yeah, she was awesome. 

It feels as though he’s afraid of me. I’m not sure why though. That’s another story to discuss further down the road.

Lets fast forward to my summer. I received a call from my brother saying that he was really sick and he wanted me to go visit him. ASAP. I was really scared and I booked a bus for a 7 hour drive to his house immediately. This meant skipping out on my summer class but that was fine. He sounded so vulnerable, afraid and alone on the phone. I wanted to be there with him. 

On the drive over I created multiple scenarios in my head and all of them were from bad to worst. My other brother called me when i was still about 3 hours away and he let me know that my brother had been admitted to the hospital. Oh god. I won’t forget those feelings I had at that moment. I wouldn’t be able to bear going through what I had experienced with my uncle again. Especially my brother. I was trying to hold myself together at the thought of it. I HATED the hospital. I grew to despise the smell of it, everything about it makes me sick. And to think that my brother was in there? I won’t go into too many details but let’s just say that my brother dodged a bullet with what he got. It could have been fatal if it persisted further and I’m so grateful that he’s alive and doing fine. I helped him for about a month with his surgical wounds, I think that helped him so much. He was emotionally drained and I don’t blame him, he questioned why that had happened to him. What was the point? I sincerely felt like that was a message for me. That what had happened to him was for me to see, a wake up call, and I know that I had thought about it before. I had thought that If something were ever to happen to my brothers, I would completely lose it and I would feel guilty. And i did feel guilty, despite it being a completely random situation beyond my control, I felt as though things could have been different if I was different. Maybe he wouldn’t be so overworked and over stressed If I helped and contributed. What the hell have I been doing? I don’t know where my mind has been for the last four years, it’s as if I’ve been on complete auto pilot, I’ve been a zombie and frankly I’m fucking tired of it. 

That was a wake up call to me. It was for me to finally realize that if I don’t do something, the next funeral I attend will be someone’s who is extremely close to me, possibly my brother. I take it to heart because I simply believe that things happen for a reason. I still don’t know what the reason was for my uncle passing away nor what the whole point of giving us hope of him improving and then butchering it all away. But I suppose some things take longer than others to understand. 

I just don’t know what I would do if something worst was to happen. 

My family thinks of me as an extremely strong person, I don’t know why. I really don’t think I am, I just think I’m good at hiding my feelings… really… really good. Almost too good. But I do put a mask over myself and I pretend that I’m not as easily hurt as I may truly be. I’ve always been afraid to be perceived as weak and I think it has to do with being the only girl growing up with three brothers. 

Maybe my boyfriend wants me to be weak. 

But I don’t want to.

I’m attending school. I’m actually planning to be a full time student at two different schools. I may be a bit over my head but I feel the need to do this. I actually feel present with time and it’s something I haven’t felt in a while. My anxiety has improved greatly ever since I started practicing Pilates and it is a huge reason of why I’m planning to get certified. Psychology is still my official major but I have been contemplating switching to science, actual science, you know biology and stuff. Anyway this last paragraph is what I really wanted to talk about but I figured I’d start from the beginning. It is only August, mind you, the end of August but it’s not too late to improve this year so hopefully the next posts are more joyous. God I hope. 

Until then