It’s as though I’m trapped..

Alone with my thoughts. 

I feel alone. The one thing I thought was steady as a rock

is now all crumbled into pieces. 

And I’ve realized…

Truth is

I’ve put broken pieces of glass together

Shut my eyes

Thought to myself..

that if I only pretended

and believed it was fixed

Everything would work out..

Silly me though..

Anyone would have guessed

But I didn’t know, and

I’ve been cutting myself with these

broken pieces all along.

Cutting deeper each time ..

How much more can I take? How long

can I go on, without finally staying

STOP!

(sigh)

 

Onto worse matters….

 

Yesterday..

I went to the hospital to see my uncle again. It’s strange, how after time you become accustomed to the situation. It’s sad. I like to think of him as how he was before. Although now his condition doesn’t make him any less of a person. He’s still my uncle. I still care about him and love him no matter the circumstances. My point being, by remembering him like before.. I gather all my strength in hopes that he will become healthy and active as he was one day. I spoke to him, I said “Uncle, you have to be strong, you have to get through this, I believe you can and I know you’re a very strong man, we are all here to support you, everyone, and we love you very much uncle… ” I looked at him, I was trying my hardest to encourage him, and my hardest to not break down… As he would blink his eyes, almost as if wanting to reaffirm what I had just said..and I saw his mouth, very delicately moving in effort to speak.. but silence was the only sound present. I looked at his eyes and i could see his distress, I saw a stream of tears fall down and I said “Uncle don’t cry, you’re going to get better, I know. You have to rest, you have to be strong uncle, you will get better..little by little, don’t cry uncle..” My heart broke. I wish there was some way of helping him, some way to erase all of this and forget it ever happened. But it’s reality and as much as I hate it, we all have to be strong to face it. Please keep my uncle in your prayers tonight.

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Eyes wide awake.

I would write on paper since that’s what I’m used to doing, however I’ve noticed that lately it’s been easier to type than to write with ink. Lazy? I think so. So nothing interesting has happened lately, I’m just writing for the sake of writing. Well we did get a new puppy, a Great Dane, and he is the most adorable thing. He reminds me a lot of Bandit.. Awe I miss him. He was the greatest furry friend, I tell you. I’m hoping soon he can start getting along with Keno, our 11 month German Shepherd. I find it so funny that the problem right now is that the puppy is too small to play with Keno…. and yet later on it’s going to be Keno who is the smaller one. Haha. I love those two. We have yet to come up with a name for the puppy. I was thinking Lucca? My little brothers however don’t feel the same way. I’m sure in the end we’ll find the right name! Hmm puppies are so adorable 🙂 Makes you all bubbly & happy being next to them.

       Besides that… I am on summer break! As I’m sure everyone else is.. well most. I’ve gone to the beach about 3 times now. That’s something I’m proud of haha 🙂 Especially since one of them was with my mom and little brother.. I really enjoyed that due to the reason that we don’t go out together as a family as much.  Hopefully I am able to do that again. I really want to get a summer job. But I’m not sure how well that would work out since I will be leaving to San Francisco in about three weeks. 😦  I love San Francisco, don’t get me wrong… I just think I will be needing a good amount of money for school and not to mention the ticket I have to pay off in October… That’s a while from now so I’m not that worried. School is what concerns me the most. And these tuition hikes are really bumming me out… Not to mention that I will be transferring to a school closer to home.. therefore I will be considered a new student, which means I’m not at the top priority when it comes to registering for classes. And If I fall any more behind… I’m going to have to seriously rethink things. I know how important the value of an education is and I would hate to have to leave it for financial reasons. … That’s why tomorrow I’ll be going out applying for jobs.

      I’ve been able to hang out with three different friends this summer. Not much… but taking into account the number of times that I’ve been able to hang out with them for the past year.. It is a massive increase. I don’t know why its become so difficult to just simply hang out? What is it seriously? Does everyone become so busy after high school that it’s just impossible to spend a good amount of time with old friends? I hope I can hang out with them again soon. I’m terribly guilty of procrastinating and it is absurd to think I had not met one of my closest friend’s baby daughter! How awful of a friend am I? She is what… about to be a year old in October? Ugh. Well at least I’ve met her now and she is a very adorable little girl.. I’m sure she had a fun time going out to the beach with us 🙂

     Let’s talk about the boyfriend now… I wonder if it’s me or if there’s actually others that think this way..but don’t you ever feel afraid of losing someone very valuable to you? It doesn’t necessarily have to be a boyfriend/girlfriend but also a friend or anyone close to you. And this is the crazy part… but I think somehow I am very fearful of this and for some unexplained reason I tend to distance myself from them. Intimacy issues? I don’t know… however it seems to me … that it is easier to push someone away by creating problems…picking at the old wounds …and making all of the issues escalate so that the person turns away from you. Doing all of that in order to avoid being abandoned.. Which only contradicts itself because by trying to turn them away from you… you are indeed being abandoned… But at least this time you know the cause of it and you are aware of it. Sounds crazy, doesn’t it? Haha. I’m not doing that now … but I have done it before. I guess I felt  at the time that I loved the person too much.. and eventually I hated myself for it, so  I decided that I rather have him hate me and stop talking to me… than to someday have him just altogether stop talking to me without any explainable reason. I think I’m crazy. Anyway that was a while ago, besides it was unrequited love which I think it means the feelings are even more intense. Because you long so much for that person to feel the same way as you do. And everything you play out in your mind becomes filled with these imaginary scenarios, all of these illusions you create of this person, and sometimes ..so intense that the person in real life is a complete different one than the one in your mind.. All are part of this illusion that you deeply desire.. Crazy right? Haha well this had nothing to do with my boyfriend. I just got a bit sidetracked.

   I’m not sure If I’m not trying enough? Or maybe I’m trying too much? I mean sometimes I tell myself I rather end it than to have all this confusion take any more of my time..but I become completely lost when I’m with him… that If I were to try to come up with a conclusion I would end up nowhere. I rather just live it day to day… and work with what I’ve got. At times its good and at times I much rather talk to a wall than to him. I suppose that is completely normal though. Boy, what I would do to spend one day in his shoes to see what he thinks about. Although I’m pretty sure it isn’t as complex as I’d like to think it is. Haha. But you never know right? I was at the beach with him and his friends this weekend and… I was recording him. Just because I thought It would be fun .. and I never had before.. besides why would you have a smart phone and not put it to use?! Well I played it later that day .. and as I was watching it my heart started beating slow and fast at the same time. Now I find it strange because I’ve not felt that way in a while. So it’s weird how while being apart in different cities, a simple recording can bring so much emotion. It’s just like a song, I suppose. But I had never experienced it before with a recording.. at least of him. And this helped me a bit on contemplating my feelings towards him. They’re there… they hide at times but they certainly are there. Haha. Right?!  I mean c’mon!  It is fascinating how you are able to gather a different perspective of a person from behind the camera. What I was unable to see at the moment, I saw later on in the day. Imagine how many different perspectives would change If I recorded everyone?  Or if everyone saw what each and every person in the world goes about during their day? If only I had some magical button where I would be able to know of a random person’s life…. I’ve always wondered how many are at a happy time of their lives… how many have hardships… how many have inspired or have done tremendous effort to help others… how many have had tragedies in their lives but yet continue to live on.. day by day… or the people that need some guidance in their lives… some attention… one good deed from a random person to uplift their spirits. Just think of how much one small, insignificant sign/action/gesture can impact that person even for just a day. If only we knew. Maybe people would try to be kinder to each other… :]

 

Well enough of that. Time to go to bed. Goodnight to all ❤ Sweet dreams.  -K

I have to PEE!

But I’m too lazy to get up from my bed and walk over to the restroom. Ahh. — So today was quite a lovely day. I adore this chilly, foggy, mystifying weather! I don’t know why but instead of feeling gloomy I feel cheerful, relaxed, and I just happen to love everything and everyone on these type of days! It is so strange. My mother, without a doubt hates chilly weather, she thinks it is depressing and it makes her uncomfortable. Well yet another difference between her and I haha. And I cannot hold it any longer! Ahhh — Okay back. What a great feeling of relief! Twice, I experienced that feeling today!

Well school went smoothly.. nothing unusual. I was stuck in traffic for two hours and did not make it to my tennis class. Bummer. Then after that I decided to study for my music midterm… which I kind of didn’t follow through. Haha instead I ended up reading Cosmopolitan in my car. I didn’t go to my art class… because like I said before I was supposed to study. But we now all know that did not happen. My who-i-like-to-call “stalker” text me asking if I was in class, I told him no of course —wow I just deleted half a paragraph I had written, ugh!— then he proceeded to flirt with me. And this time I actually flirted back but not the past-the-limit kinda flirting. Just friendly talk. I guess that’s what I mean when I say “flirting.” Because if I do recall I have been ignoring him like there’s no tomorrow. Haha.  Anyway so I think I managed to do decent on my midterm and that’s good considering I didn’t bother to study. Surprisingly I had a test for my Spanish class and I think I nailed it. Unless I happened to misread the instructions which I hope not. Also, I received my previous test back in which I scored an 86%. I was pretty pleased with that. 😀 Yay.

Well I was just so pleased with my school day that I didn’t quite want to head back home just yet. So I decided to pay a visit to my boyfriend, which by the way, I have a new perspective over our relationship. Now I understand he’s got his flaws… and I admit I have mine too. I figured, I’m over stressing-out about those flaws because simply put…. why bother? Consider this, I don’t know when exactly the relationship will be over or even if it will. The only thing I can predict or assume is that our relationship is only temporary. Now by saying that I can focus on the good characteristics that he has and I can enjoy our time spent together better. See by thinking it is only temporary I don’t stress about the whole is-he-right-for-me bullshit and is this who I want to spend the rest of my life nonsense. It just makes sense! And I can sure as hell get rid of all the over-thinking that I tend to do. Now I don’t know if its selfish to think of it that way, I guess I’m just doing it so save myself the trouble. Of course I do wish it to succeed but what do I know.

As I was saying before……  I went over to his house and I had told him I wanted to grab some coffee. There is this little cafe place by where he lives that I just adore. I love the atmosphere in there! Its like this comfy, indie, care-free cafe place where you can just chill out. It’s kind of the way chilly, foggy, mystifying days are… I just feel happy there. Well on our way there we walked into .. i don’t know Halloween store? We were looking at different costumes… seeing which ones seemed better.. getting ideas. Not the point I’m trying to make but fun, fun, fun. A guy who was working there asked me about my shirt.. which is a Roger Waters Live t-shirt I bought. He asked if I went and I told him yes. I was so excited when he asked me about it, my face instantly lighted up haha. He told me he had gone too. And my reply was “Really!!!!? How cool! Yeah it was great!” I looked over at my boyfriend… I almost forgot he was there from all the excitement I was sharing with this fellow Roger Waters fan 😉 hehe and I awkwardly said “Yeah! We went.” Then I friendly punched my boyfriend in the arm…? What for.. I have no idea but afterwards the guy smiled at me and slowly walked away. I’m now wondering if all this awkwardness was for real or if it was all just in my head. The guy was cute… shhh! Haha I wonder if my boyfriend got jealous.. but why would he?

-I am now having hunger pangs.. Ugh. It’s 1 in the morning, really?–  After we headed back to the car…drove to his house.. and he had mentioned he wanted to take me to this one road through the mountains. I noticed he seemed eager to go so I said why not? After all he was nice enough to put some gas into my car 🙂 Awe. Okay well driving up.. I told him, “Wouldn’t it be nice if there was a lot of fog right now?! It’ll look pretty.” And oh boy did I get what I wanted. This particular road has a lot of curves.. but this I found out after all-the-possible fog you can imagine appeared! I was shitting bricks. Hahaha. It was nonetheless completely beautiful. Imagine: a quiet, long, dark curvy road filled with a rich breeze of mysterious, calming air. Yet with every turn you make and behind every curve there is a feeling of fear. The fog is awe striking, alluring but simultaneously dangerous. The beautiful contrast of light between the blurry light-posts and the darkness around them. Unaware of what to focus on, from all that is available to see. Driving curve after curve, up high in the mountain, looking down below realizing that there is nothing below. Just fog. If you were to fall down… it would be an endless adventure into the fog. It then becomes creepy and all the beauty of the scenery disappears. Knowing that being close to something so beautiful can be so dangerous. And then again driving after another sharp curve.. you look down and you see the almost surreal view of the city lost within the foggy night. The blurry, shimmering, city lights… so many lights… so many people out there.. so many lives. This is definitely one hell of a rush and so many feelings at once. I became lost between fear and awe but it was definitely an unforgettable moment. Luckily I wasn’t the one driving it was my boyfriend… but oh boy I told him it was just as nerve-wrecking. Before every curve I would move my foot, as if I were the one driving trying to brake. Haha there were also beautiful houses along the road.. and I didn’t really pay much attention to those as it was too dark and the road was very narrow. My boyfriend didn’t either. o.O Haha! Rich people live there by the way.. but it was definitely somewhat of an eye opener. Just to compare the different lifestyles, it is rather amazing what some people have and don’t.

But anyhow that was a good drive, I told my boyfriend next time I’ll be the driver and he’ll be the passenger. See which one is worse. Of course I won’t be going 40 miles per hour like he was! I believe the speed limit was 20 miles per hour.. but I think I’m better off going 2 miles per hour! So beware you nice fellow, rich people trying to get to your homes, there will be a slow driver on the road. You have been warned 🙂 Well that’s all! Good day or what? I just love this weather, don’t you?

Everything was great ..or so I thought

I feel as though by trusting people, I’m committing a fatal mistake. You would think that someone who loves you..would try their very best to not ever hurt you. At least that’s the way I am. That’s the way I thought it was. That’s the way I wish it was.

As much as I hate to realize, there are some people out there with delusional perceptions. People who say one thing and yet act another way. I confronted this person and all of the blame was immediately directed towards me. Not a sorry. Not one sense of guilt. Not even by seeing the look on my face… full of total disappointment. I’m not even sure of what’s worse anymore. The action itself… which devoured all of the remaining trust I had. Or the fact I actually wanted to believe in this person. Or in the reality that I actually believed.

Is life not about believing? Chasing something in which you believe. And I know failure is followed by the will to try again in hope of succeeding. But at what point is there a limit ..of changing ourselves to better our life in society. Shouldn’t people be themselves? Isn’t that what everyone is told? You’re too nice and you will get stepped on. You speak you’re mind and you’re a bitch. I’m a nice person. I like to believe that not all people are cruel, heartless, and selfish. I have some faith in humanity. I wear my heart on my sleeve.

Yet today, it seems as if being nice is actually a flaw. When all that blame was pointed towards me. Supposedly it was my fault for being nosy and actually going with my gut instinct. What I was told was “If you didn’t care about it, I wouldn’t do any of it. It’s when you tell me to not do it… that I actually get a thrill out of it.” What? I just love how all of the sudden it was my fault for actually caring. I can’t even comprehend the thought behind all of this. Who even is this person? Who am I becoming with this person?

I thought to myself… despite the hurt of it all, how much different is this with everyday life? Its as though we are expected to act a certain way to be accepted. Just how much of a different person does one have to become in order to succeed. And I know this may be speaking too broadly, but a person who succeeds has to compete with others and somewhere in their path..whether intentionally or on accident.. this person will screw people over just to get ahead. I suppose its only natural. But back to the issue. Here I am ultimately I can choose to forgive and obviously I would have to “not care” in order to succeed with this relationship. And then there is the other part of me.. which just screams stupidity.. how can I.. and why should I have to act a certain way just so that this person doesn’t do something which they should not be doing anyway. Are morals non existent to the world? Is there simply no right and wrong anymore? It just disgusts me what people think they have to put up with in order to work it out! It’s absurd and insane! And what is even more absurd is the fact that I’m actually questioning what I should do….. clearly when I already know what must be done. It’s just a sad thing how one easily can lose themselves. I can’t possibly love someone who can do this to me. It isn’t possible.

You lose respect. You lose trust. Without any of that a relationship isn’t possible. And people come and go. What causes most damage isn’t the person themselves but the emptiness you feel when all your dreams are shattered. All the “could have been” thoughts become more haunting than the actual dirty deed. And that emptiness slowly makes you lose a part of yourself each time… But whaddafux it! You only live once right? To feel pain as well as happiness is better than not feeling anything at all. Isn’t that the worst of all… to be numb to everything? As you can see I’m naturally optimistic. Flaw or not a flaw… who knows?