I feel different. alive. present. anew.

This has been a strange year so far…

I was in a car crash October 2013, It was a 3 vehicle collision; nothing too serious. Just a young teenager or adult who was going too fast on the road.. on the very first day that it rained. The roads must have been real slippery, I guess. It was enough to shake me up and I mean who wouldn’t be? I was less than a mile away from my home when it happened.. I suppose the reason why I find it strange is because you never really think something will EVER happen to you. I don’t know about you but I figured I was untouched on the highway or streets as long as I drove safe. Especially on rainy days which are my favorite.. or used to be. Now I find myself overly cautious when it rains, too paranoid, to worried to see the beauty of it while driving. Anyway I recall my brother telling me perfectly one day, that rainy days are the ones I should be extremely cautious about. I told him something around the lines “Oh but it’s fine, I drive safe, don’t worry” and he responded with the words that still linger in my head to this day… “It’s not you I’m worried about, it’s other people who you have to watch out for.” Hmm up until then It had never occurred to me that despite my safe driving, somebody else could still harm me. Naive? Perhaps, but I guess that’s a lesson I’ve now learned. 

Well, at the moment of the accident, initially I was completely out of it because I hit my head on the steering wheel. And yes I was wearing my seat belt, I don’t know why so many people assumed that I wasn’t. What moron drives without their seat belt? My head hurt and with my previous occurrence with strokes, inter-cranial bleeding, concussions, I decided to go to the hospital. I was taken in the ambulance and I truly regret that now. Not only was I laughed at in the hospital but It has cost me an immense headache and $2,000 which I still have not paid to this day. I’m in collections and my non existent credit couldn’t be any better. 

So it turned out that after numerous attempts trying to contact the other person’s insurance, it took them four lovely months to finally grow some balls and tell me that not only did the other person didn’t have an active insurance the day of the accident but that I was pretty much screwed and there was nothing else they could possibly do. The only thing there was left to do was to try to sue. I was so angry. How is it possible that not once could they have left a message telling me to stop wasting my time? And still today, I feel like they’re full of shit but I was so emotionally exhausted. Why did that happen? What was the reason? My car is still fucked up. I don’t even have the energy to go sue and for what? The court won’t even follow up with the case If i win, there’s no guarantee that I will receive my money, and then part of me wants to really screw this kid over and part of me just wants to let it go and forget all about it. Maybe I could just pay it all myself and hope that he learns his lesson. *sigh

Oh and by the way starting New Year’s Day, for some odd reason I started to bleed. My period? Well I suppose that’s what I thought too except that It kept going for ehh 2 months and then 3 and then 6 months. Pretty fucking strange. What the hell is wrong with me? Emotional stress from the accident? Who knows. I finally went to the doctor at one point and I was given the depo shot to stop the bleeding. It worked for about a month until I got my “period” and then I had the most severe cramps you could imagine. I was crying for 4 hours straight because I couldn’t stand the pain, it was as if my uterus was ready to explode. The pain was just too much, taking several breaths would help but my god it was horrible enough to say no more depo shot EVER AGAIN. And the reason why i had such severe cramps? Well not long after I noticed I had given birth to the BIGGEST BLOOD CLOT EVER. WTF? Now the bad part about it was that, I still had about 2 months left with the shot in my system AND my bleeding never stopped afterwards. So it was all for nothing. Close to $300 down the toilet because I don’t have insurance since the past August. Thankfully, a few months later I went to Planned Parenthood and I was given regular birth control and so far that has worked. Thank god. 

I’m a bit afraid that there’s still an underlying problem I don’t know about. It’s a good thing I’ll have health insurance pretty soon. I will go get checked out. Hopefully I’m ok. I do get cramps but it’s nothing extremely severe. I’m just not sure I wan’t to stay on the pill for so long, what if my body forgets how to ovulate and I never get my period.. Or what if I continue to bleed nonstop. Last time I was on the pill for 6 months my body became like clockwork after the pill. I was very happy about that. That was about 4 years ago. 

Four years…. on a happy note, my boyfriend and I now have four years together. I remember my high school teacher specifically saying that the fourth year in a relationship is the hardest, and if you make it after that dreaded fourth year.. everything will go smooth sailing. Hah. It’s only been four months since our anniversary and now I’m starting to wonder if she was right. We have been great so far but today he said that he doesn’t trust me, apparently he has trusted every single ex girlfriend of his but not me. Ok? I don’t even know how to react to that. But I don’t want to talk about either. So back to my teacher, apparently she and her boyfriend were high school sweethearts and they were having major problems that year. They decided to break up and they went off on their separate ways. She said they dated other people and all of that but in the end, she wasn’t all that happy. Eventually they had become accustomed to one another so bad that other people just weren’t enough. And so they met up and well she showed us pictures of her wedding on a boat, in Alaska, with her decorated, pink chucks under her white dress. Yeah, she was awesome. 

It feels as though he’s afraid of me. I’m not sure why though. That’s another story to discuss further down the road.

Lets fast forward to my summer. I received a call from my brother saying that he was really sick and he wanted me to go visit him. ASAP. I was really scared and I booked a bus for a 7 hour drive to his house immediately. This meant skipping out on my summer class but that was fine. He sounded so vulnerable, afraid and alone on the phone. I wanted to be there with him. 

On the drive over I created multiple scenarios in my head and all of them were from bad to worst. My other brother called me when i was still about 3 hours away and he let me know that my brother had been admitted to the hospital. Oh god. I won’t forget those feelings I had at that moment. I wouldn’t be able to bear going through what I had experienced with my uncle again. Especially my brother. I was trying to hold myself together at the thought of it. I HATED the hospital. I grew to despise the smell of it, everything about it makes me sick. And to think that my brother was in there? I won’t go into too many details but let’s just say that my brother dodged a bullet with what he got. It could have been fatal if it persisted further and I’m so grateful that he’s alive and doing fine. I helped him for about a month with his surgical wounds, I think that helped him so much. He was emotionally drained and I don’t blame him, he questioned why that had happened to him. What was the point? I sincerely felt like that was a message for me. That what had happened to him was for me to see, a wake up call, and I know that I had thought about it before. I had thought that If something were ever to happen to my brothers, I would completely lose it and I would feel guilty. And i did feel guilty, despite it being a completely random situation beyond my control, I felt as though things could have been different if I was different. Maybe he wouldn’t be so overworked and over stressed If I helped and contributed. What the hell have I been doing? I don’t know where my mind has been for the last four years, it’s as if I’ve been on complete auto pilot, I’ve been a zombie and frankly I’m fucking tired of it. 

That was a wake up call to me. It was for me to finally realize that if I don’t do something, the next funeral I attend will be someone’s who is extremely close to me, possibly my brother. I take it to heart because I simply believe that things happen for a reason. I still don’t know what the reason was for my uncle passing away nor what the whole point of giving us hope of him improving and then butchering it all away. But I suppose some things take longer than others to understand. 

I just don’t know what I would do if something worst was to happen. 

My family thinks of me as an extremely strong person, I don’t know why. I really don’t think I am, I just think I’m good at hiding my feelings… really… really good. Almost too good. But I do put a mask over myself and I pretend that I’m not as easily hurt as I may truly be. I’ve always been afraid to be perceived as weak and I think it has to do with being the only girl growing up with three brothers. 

Maybe my boyfriend wants me to be weak. 

But I don’t want to.

I’m attending school. I’m actually planning to be a full time student at two different schools. I may be a bit over my head but I feel the need to do this. I actually feel present with time and it’s something I haven’t felt in a while. My anxiety has improved greatly ever since I started practicing Pilates and it is a huge reason of why I’m planning to get certified. Psychology is still my official major but I have been contemplating switching to science, actual science, you know biology and stuff. Anyway this last paragraph is what I really wanted to talk about but I figured I’d start from the beginning. It is only August, mind you, the end of August but it’s not too late to improve this year so hopefully the next posts are more joyous. God I hope. 

Until then 

-k

Eyes wide awake.

I would write on paper since that’s what I’m used to doing, however I’ve noticed that lately it’s been easier to type than to write with ink. Lazy? I think so. So nothing interesting has happened lately, I’m just writing for the sake of writing. Well we did get a new puppy, a Great Dane, and he is the most adorable thing. He reminds me a lot of Bandit.. Awe I miss him. He was the greatest furry friend, I tell you. I’m hoping soon he can start getting along with Keno, our 11 month German Shepherd. I find it so funny that the problem right now is that the puppy is too small to play with Keno…. and yet later on it’s going to be Keno who is the smaller one. Haha. I love those two. We have yet to come up with a name for the puppy. I was thinking Lucca? My little brothers however don’t feel the same way. I’m sure in the end we’ll find the right name! Hmm puppies are so adorable 🙂 Makes you all bubbly & happy being next to them.

       Besides that… I am on summer break! As I’m sure everyone else is.. well most. I’ve gone to the beach about 3 times now. That’s something I’m proud of haha 🙂 Especially since one of them was with my mom and little brother.. I really enjoyed that due to the reason that we don’t go out together as a family as much.  Hopefully I am able to do that again. I really want to get a summer job. But I’m not sure how well that would work out since I will be leaving to San Francisco in about three weeks. 😦  I love San Francisco, don’t get me wrong… I just think I will be needing a good amount of money for school and not to mention the ticket I have to pay off in October… That’s a while from now so I’m not that worried. School is what concerns me the most. And these tuition hikes are really bumming me out… Not to mention that I will be transferring to a school closer to home.. therefore I will be considered a new student, which means I’m not at the top priority when it comes to registering for classes. And If I fall any more behind… I’m going to have to seriously rethink things. I know how important the value of an education is and I would hate to have to leave it for financial reasons. … That’s why tomorrow I’ll be going out applying for jobs.

      I’ve been able to hang out with three different friends this summer. Not much… but taking into account the number of times that I’ve been able to hang out with them for the past year.. It is a massive increase. I don’t know why its become so difficult to just simply hang out? What is it seriously? Does everyone become so busy after high school that it’s just impossible to spend a good amount of time with old friends? I hope I can hang out with them again soon. I’m terribly guilty of procrastinating and it is absurd to think I had not met one of my closest friend’s baby daughter! How awful of a friend am I? She is what… about to be a year old in October? Ugh. Well at least I’ve met her now and she is a very adorable little girl.. I’m sure she had a fun time going out to the beach with us 🙂

     Let’s talk about the boyfriend now… I wonder if it’s me or if there’s actually others that think this way..but don’t you ever feel afraid of losing someone very valuable to you? It doesn’t necessarily have to be a boyfriend/girlfriend but also a friend or anyone close to you. And this is the crazy part… but I think somehow I am very fearful of this and for some unexplained reason I tend to distance myself from them. Intimacy issues? I don’t know… however it seems to me … that it is easier to push someone away by creating problems…picking at the old wounds …and making all of the issues escalate so that the person turns away from you. Doing all of that in order to avoid being abandoned.. Which only contradicts itself because by trying to turn them away from you… you are indeed being abandoned… But at least this time you know the cause of it and you are aware of it. Sounds crazy, doesn’t it? Haha. I’m not doing that now … but I have done it before. I guess I felt  at the time that I loved the person too much.. and eventually I hated myself for it, so  I decided that I rather have him hate me and stop talking to me… than to someday have him just altogether stop talking to me without any explainable reason. I think I’m crazy. Anyway that was a while ago, besides it was unrequited love which I think it means the feelings are even more intense. Because you long so much for that person to feel the same way as you do. And everything you play out in your mind becomes filled with these imaginary scenarios, all of these illusions you create of this person, and sometimes ..so intense that the person in real life is a complete different one than the one in your mind.. All are part of this illusion that you deeply desire.. Crazy right? Haha well this had nothing to do with my boyfriend. I just got a bit sidetracked.

   I’m not sure If I’m not trying enough? Or maybe I’m trying too much? I mean sometimes I tell myself I rather end it than to have all this confusion take any more of my time..but I become completely lost when I’m with him… that If I were to try to come up with a conclusion I would end up nowhere. I rather just live it day to day… and work with what I’ve got. At times its good and at times I much rather talk to a wall than to him. I suppose that is completely normal though. Boy, what I would do to spend one day in his shoes to see what he thinks about. Although I’m pretty sure it isn’t as complex as I’d like to think it is. Haha. But you never know right? I was at the beach with him and his friends this weekend and… I was recording him. Just because I thought It would be fun .. and I never had before.. besides why would you have a smart phone and not put it to use?! Well I played it later that day .. and as I was watching it my heart started beating slow and fast at the same time. Now I find it strange because I’ve not felt that way in a while. So it’s weird how while being apart in different cities, a simple recording can bring so much emotion. It’s just like a song, I suppose. But I had never experienced it before with a recording.. at least of him. And this helped me a bit on contemplating my feelings towards him. They’re there… they hide at times but they certainly are there. Haha. Right?!  I mean c’mon!  It is fascinating how you are able to gather a different perspective of a person from behind the camera. What I was unable to see at the moment, I saw later on in the day. Imagine how many different perspectives would change If I recorded everyone?  Or if everyone saw what each and every person in the world goes about during their day? If only I had some magical button where I would be able to know of a random person’s life…. I’ve always wondered how many are at a happy time of their lives… how many have hardships… how many have inspired or have done tremendous effort to help others… how many have had tragedies in their lives but yet continue to live on.. day by day… or the people that need some guidance in their lives… some attention… one good deed from a random person to uplift their spirits. Just think of how much one small, insignificant sign/action/gesture can impact that person even for just a day. If only we knew. Maybe people would try to be kinder to each other… :]

 

Well enough of that. Time to go to bed. Goodnight to all ❤ Sweet dreams.  -K

Recap: Summer

I  guess I can say that the highlight of my summer was definitely going up to San Francisco to stay with my older brother for a week. I love the city and the variety of things. And it’s a plus being surrounded by water. This was just a time to clear my mind and grasp new ideas. I can see myself living there.. it is so much different than LA. The people are different, the weather is different , the whole atmosphere is different! Well maybe I was just  a bit too glad to be somewhere else hehe. But it is obvious that people up north are more environmentally aware than the folks here in LA, you just can’t hide that. If only LA was like that and acted more of a community than just every person out for themselves. Anyway loved San Francisco and it only gets me excited to travel and get a chance to see other places!

I did have a chance to move up north and live with my brother. However I didn’t do it because… my boyfriend is down here in LA with me. Not that we wouldn’t be able to manage but I think that our long distance relationship is at a handful already with just 70- 80 miles apart.  Of course … I know… “you should not miss opportunities just because of a so-called boyfriend.”  I know.  And I can’t help but to laugh at myself when I look at the things I’m doing. Its just so funny, the things people do when in love… you know you shouldn’t do them and yet you do.

Speaking of the boyfriend. I have a bunch of things I can complain about. But I’m choosing not to. I decided I’m not going to let little, meaningful things get to do. Why? So that I can feel sorry for myself? No no no! Even the doctor told me.. in a Chinese accent that you just can’t help but to smile at  “Worry less! you too young to have panic attack!  just have fun, enjoy the time being!” My doctor is right for once. Haha. This by the way was about a year ago I was just so stressed with family, going to school, trying to move out etc. I’m doing much better now at handling my stress.

By the way…. I went to the LA Zoo yesterday. It is rather cheap, only 14 bucks per adult. I went with my boyfriend. I told my older brother this earlier when he called to check in on me… and he just laughed. What is so funny about going to the zoo with your boyfriend? He says it’s just random.. like “hey what did you do this weekend? Oh I went to the zoo.. you?” I don’t get him haha I mean I guess it isn’t a usual thing to do with your boyfriend or girlfriend but… I mean I don’t see why not? Besides! It was fun… I especially enjoyed looking at the snow leopard! It was just so cute and cuddly! He enjoyed looking at the Komodo dragon. Asked me if I ever wanted to have one as a pet… haha! I said I rather have a white tiger as a pet… if that’s the direction you want to head towards to. It was a bit hot… but nothing you can’t handle.. oh and those polka dots.. or… dotted in.. I have no idea what its called. Ice cream in little bits basically was pretty damn sweet. I had the banana split favor. While ordering the guy mentioned he only had banana split, chocolate and cookies & cream. I don’t know where my mind was at but I told him “Umm let me have vanilla one.”  “We don’t have vanilla we only have…” and he proceeded to list the flavors available again.. once he finished I mindlessly said “Okay let me have the vanilla split” It took me a full minute to realize what I had just said and I couldn’t help but to feel embarrassed as looked at him and my boyfriend. “Vanilla split? Really…. I mean banana split” My boyfriend just laughed at me. I mean in my defense.. banana vanilla, vanilla banana, don’t they sound similar?? Anyone? But yes LA Zoo is definitely date approved… haha well at least for us.

And yeah I know I went a bit off topic.. but that’s just the way I like to ramble.   :]