Have you ever seen the light?

Photograph: Shay Mitchell by Derek Kettela

January 13, 2014

Each person has their own unique source of motivation, mainly I have met people who seek improvement to provide a better life for someone close to them. In my mind this is usually a parent caring for their child/children. I am single and therefore I believe I am unable to understand the magnificent connection between a mother/father’s love towards their child. My mother often tells me that it is an undeniable love that she feels towards us (my brothers and I), she would sacrifice an immense amount of herself for our happiness. To me it is an indescribable act of selflessness and it leaves me in disbelief the amount of effort parents put in, all for the benefit of their kids. I applaud all the parents who put their child first, before anything and anyone else in the world. In all honesty, I wish I had that type of endless motivation.

But… that is not the case and I’m not going to wait around in hopes that I get pregnant to finally find my source of motivation. That is a terrible idea. Despite how terrible it is, I am sure there are several people who have experienced it in living flesh, by accident or not. And who knows? Maybe it worked out for the best of everyone? That’s not what I want to speak about anyway.

A long time ago, years ago, I used to be able to breathe in motivation. I would close my eyes, take a deep breath, envision all that I wanted to accomplish and all of the happiness I wanted to spread, I would exhale and my heart would beat faster and faster, each time generating more love for others and a grand love for the world. And then as I would open my eyes, everything would shift becoming clearer than before. Now come to think of it, I had an undeniable love, for what? I don’t know. There was so much hope… 

…………So what happened? Like hell if I know. However it’s 110% sure that, that undeniable love, is long long long gone! That part of me vanished without any courtesy warning and it has left me famished, angry, and hopeless. Perhaps too many failures can eat your soul away, deteriorating your spirit little by little? I want to be full of hope again so bad. And I just cannot find any root of motivation. I say I will do things and instead I sit there, wasting away, without taking any form of action. It’s a sickness. Fear. Anxiety. How is it that I am so messed up and I cannot find it within myself to strive for something greater? I don’t know. But oh boy, do I miss that love. Fucking reality is a pain in the ass. Forgive the language but it is the truth. So many things have gone to shit and I just have to find a way to straighten EVERYTHING, at least that of which I have control of.

QUESTION: Does anyone experience this? Or is it just some bullshit in my mind? Can you relate in any way?

Is this what depression feels like? Maybe I should go see a psychiatrist and get medicine prescribed. I’ll be “happy elly 2.1: new and improved.” No, that isn’t going to solve anything. Maybe it will, temporarily, but it won’t get to the root of the problem.

     So what the hell are you going to do? 

That is a good question I ask myself. I suppose there isn’t an easy fix and I probably wouldn’t take it either way because I am too stubborn. I’m going to take it day by day and that’s about the only thing I can do, right? Being numb to the world is just about the most tragic way you can be.. I admit though, that I have found some way to kick start my motivation and although I do not label it as healthy motivation, it is better than nothing. And this my friends is competing against those former high schoolers who each time I view any of their new updates, I roll my eyes and go “eeehhhhhh” haha. I know this is completely unhealthy as I mentioned before and I am aware it is a bad habit to form. 🙂  My misery brings a wicked side to my personality as well. Mwahaha.

And I want to have better days, if she can do that then I can do greater, If he can have that, I can have greater, IF SHE CAN GO TO THE GYM ONCE A WEEK, I CAN GO FIVE DAYS A WEEK, Oh you cooked that? Hell I can cook this top notch meal, have a taste of my awesomeness. I wouldn’t post everything I would do better on FB, that is annoying, instead I would celebrate amongst myself and with you guys of course. So why not? What do you think?

And that’ll be all for today. I have rambled too much. 🙂 I started this around  10:31 P.M. and it is now 12:54 A.M.

I also kept replaying “Sam’s town” by The Killers.

❤

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YfUSjEE5BLk

Who I am and why I’m here..

Monday, January 6th 2014 1:06 A.M.

 DAY 1: INTRODUCE YOURSELF

I like to go by Elly, this is what my family has called me since I was a young girl. It is actually very rare that they call me by my first name. It is extremely strange. Sometimes I often don’t even recognize that it’s actually my name. That’s only the case when I’m at home or near my family. It feels more family oriented, the name. In fact, there was even a time when someone called my house and asked to speak to me by my actual name, my brother for a second was going to inform them it was the wrong number. That’s how rare it is! I’m not too fond of my actual name.

Perhaps it’s because there’s a whole lot of uncertainty with it. I suppose what I’m trying to say is, since at school I’m referred to as (blank) there’s a different personality that accompanies it. Can’t quite say I’m fully explaining myself but I know that my personality at home is much more different than at school. I have more freedom at home and at school… I’m quite reserved. Lol.

Anyway….

I’m 21 years of age, I “attend” college. My purpose of writing this blog is to get more in touch with myself. Sort of boring right? Well I am almost 100% sure that It will definitely add some structure to my thoughts because my mind runs like it’s on crack. And I wish it were extremely genius ideas and solutions to all the type of problems that exist today… but sometimes it’s quite the opposite. I love to stir “what ifs” around like no tomorrow. Who doesn’t though?

I think i skipped a question.

The reason I’m blogging instead of writing in a journal, which I do have by the way, is because I put off writing. ALOT. I am such a procrastinator, no joke. I literally write a handful of diary entries each year, sometimes I even skip years lol. So this is what I’m thinking, since this is online, maybe the fact that some people may read it is what will give me motivation to type more.

Who would you love to connect with via your blog?

– Umm, people. During these past years, i have become very anti-social. I’m hoping I can meet or become aware of other people who are similar to me. The other day I was reading some other people’s blogs, stalking if you will, and it’s amazing how much you can get to know a person. I think it’s great, of course it isn’t actual face to face communication but you have the general idea of a variety of people out there. 🙂 So I hope to find your pretty souls! Mwahaha. Creepy.

If you blog successfully throughout 2014, what would you hope to have accomplished?

Life. 

I haven’t been living as much as I imagined I would. Therefore, anything that will help me grow as a person and become more aware of myself and others will be a great benefit. I don’t want to live without appreciating what I have and those who I have with me. I have learned a great deal of things through tragedy these past years and I have realized that our time here on earth isn’t set in stone. We hope to live long and happy, but unfortunately that wish isn’t granted for everyone. Am I depressing you? I think I completely changed the vibe just now.

Well…. I think those are all the questions for now! What do you hope to accomplish?! Oh and before I forget here is the link to the actual challenge, in case you wish to follow it as well. 🙂

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/zero-to-hero/#1

It’s 1:55 A.M.

See ya!

Intro to Zero to Hero: 30 Day Challenge

Sunday, January 5th 2014 11:34 P.M.

I have the habit of writing the date and time on each journal entry. So I may use it here as well, I like knowing exactly when and where I wrote each piece. 🙂 The only downside to writing on here is that I don’t get to use an actual pen. It feels more intimate to me. I don’t know exactly how this is going to work out, the whole blogging thing. It’s feeling sort of iffy. I’m talking to all of you folks out there and it is sort of intimidating and I find myself second guessing what I’m going to say. Maybe within time it will feel more natural? I’m just a newb. Or was it noob? I prefer newbie. Alright!

Well since I’m such a newbie, what can be better than a 30 day challenge?? Suited for beginners or for those who have an actual blog up and running already! I do think i’m a couple of days behind though. Haha. I’m not sure if I will catch up or just go at my own pace. I will link the challenge down below in case you want to join as well! Fantastic right? Ok. Lets start. 

—Actually, I just got side tracked with my little brother who entered my room—-  He started cuddling with my kitten Lila, I’m guessing since he spent the week at my older brother’s house, he isn’t used to being alone. I should probably go hang out with him for a bit. I will write the first challenge in another post! 🙂 

It is now 12:10 am by the way.