Have you ever seen the light?

Photograph: Shay Mitchell by Derek Kettela

January 13, 2014

Each person has their own unique source of motivation, mainly I have met people who seek improvement to provide a better life for someone close to them. In my mind this is usually a parent caring for their child/children. I am single and therefore I believe I am unable to understand the magnificent connection between a mother/father’s love towards their child. My mother often tells me that it is an undeniable love that she feels towards us (my brothers and I), she would sacrifice an immense amount of herself for our happiness. To me it is an indescribable act of selflessness and it leaves me in disbelief the amount of effort parents put in, all for the benefit of their kids. I applaud all the parents who put their child first, before anything and anyone else in the world. In all honesty, I wish I had that type of endless motivation.

But… that is not the case and I’m not going to wait around in hopes that I get pregnant to finally find my source of motivation. That is a terrible idea. Despite how terrible it is, I am sure there are several people who have experienced it in living flesh, by accident or not. And who knows? Maybe it worked out for the best of everyone? That’s not what I want to speak about anyway.

A long time ago, years ago, I used to be able to breathe in motivation. I would close my eyes, take a deep breath, envision all that I wanted to accomplish and all of the happiness I wanted to spread, I would exhale and my heart would beat faster and faster, each time generating more love for others and a grand love for the world. And then as I would open my eyes, everything would shift becoming clearer than before. Now come to think of it, I had an undeniable love, for what? I don’t know. There was so much hope… 

…………So what happened? Like hell if I know. However it’s 110% sure that, that undeniable love, is long long long gone! That part of me vanished without any courtesy warning and it has left me famished, angry, and hopeless. Perhaps too many failures can eat your soul away, deteriorating your spirit little by little? I want to be full of hope again so bad. And I just cannot find any root of motivation. I say I will do things and instead I sit there, wasting away, without taking any form of action. It’s a sickness. Fear. Anxiety. How is it that I am so messed up and I cannot find it within myself to strive for something greater? I don’t know. But oh boy, do I miss that love. Fucking reality is a pain in the ass. Forgive the language but it is the truth. So many things have gone to shit and I just have to find a way to straighten EVERYTHING, at least that of which I have control of.

QUESTION: Does anyone experience this? Or is it just some bullshit in my mind? Can you relate in any way?

Is this what depression feels like? Maybe I should go see a psychiatrist and get medicine prescribed. I’ll be “happy elly 2.1: new and improved.” No, that isn’t going to solve anything. Maybe it will, temporarily, but it won’t get to the root of the problem.

     So what the hell are you going to do? 

That is a good question I ask myself. I suppose there isn’t an easy fix and I probably wouldn’t take it either way because I am too stubborn. I’m going to take it day by day and that’s about the only thing I can do, right? Being numb to the world is just about the most tragic way you can be.. I admit though, that I have found some way to kick start my motivation and although I do not label it as healthy motivation, it is better than nothing. And this my friends is competing against those former high schoolers who each time I view any of their new updates, I roll my eyes and go “eeehhhhhh” haha. I know this is completely unhealthy as I mentioned before and I am aware it is a bad habit to form. 🙂  My misery brings a wicked side to my personality as well. Mwahaha.

And I want to have better days, if she can do that then I can do greater, If he can have that, I can have greater, IF SHE CAN GO TO THE GYM ONCE A WEEK, I CAN GO FIVE DAYS A WEEK, Oh you cooked that? Hell I can cook this top notch meal, have a taste of my awesomeness. I wouldn’t post everything I would do better on FB, that is annoying, instead I would celebrate amongst myself and with you guys of course. So why not? What do you think?

And that’ll be all for today. I have rambled too much. 🙂 I started this around  10:31 P.M. and it is now 12:54 A.M.

I also kept replaying “Sam’s town” by The Killers.

❤

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YfUSjEE5BLk

It’s as though I’m trapped..

Alone with my thoughts. 

I feel alone. The one thing I thought was steady as a rock

is now all crumbled into pieces. 

And I’ve realized…

Truth is

I’ve put broken pieces of glass together

Shut my eyes

Thought to myself..

that if I only pretended

and believed it was fixed

Everything would work out..

Silly me though..

Anyone would have guessed

But I didn’t know, and

I’ve been cutting myself with these

broken pieces all along.

Cutting deeper each time ..

How much more can I take? How long

can I go on, without finally staying

STOP!

(sigh)

 

Onto worse matters….

 

Yesterday..

I went to the hospital to see my uncle again. It’s strange, how after time you become accustomed to the situation. It’s sad. I like to think of him as how he was before. Although now his condition doesn’t make him any less of a person. He’s still my uncle. I still care about him and love him no matter the circumstances. My point being, by remembering him like before.. I gather all my strength in hopes that he will become healthy and active as he was one day. I spoke to him, I said “Uncle, you have to be strong, you have to get through this, I believe you can and I know you’re a very strong man, we are all here to support you, everyone, and we love you very much uncle… ” I looked at him, I was trying my hardest to encourage him, and my hardest to not break down… As he would blink his eyes, almost as if wanting to reaffirm what I had just said..and I saw his mouth, very delicately moving in effort to speak.. but silence was the only sound present. I looked at his eyes and i could see his distress, I saw a stream of tears fall down and I said “Uncle don’t cry, you’re going to get better, I know. You have to rest, you have to be strong uncle, you will get better..little by little, don’t cry uncle..” My heart broke. I wish there was some way of helping him, some way to erase all of this and forget it ever happened. But it’s reality and as much as I hate it, we all have to be strong to face it. Please keep my uncle in your prayers tonight.

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