Have you ever seen the light?

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Photograph: Shay Mitchell by Derek Kettela

January 13, 2014

Each person has their own unique source of motivation, mainly I have met people who seek improvement to provide a better life for someone close to them. In my mind this is usually a parent caring for their child/children. I am single and therefore I believe I am unable to understand the magnificent connection between a mother/father’s love towards their child. My mother often tells me that it is an undeniable love that she feels towards us (my brothers and I), she would sacrifice an immense amount of herself for our happiness. To me it is an indescribable act of selflessness and it leaves me in disbelief the amount of effort parents put in, all for the benefit of their kids. I applaud all the parents who put their child first, before anything and anyone else in the world. In all honesty, I wish I had that type of endless motivation.

But… that is not the case and I’m not going to wait around in hopes that I get pregnant to finally find my source of motivation. That is a terrible idea. Despite how terrible it is, I am sure there are several people who have experienced it in living flesh, by accident or not. And who knows? Maybe it worked out for the best of everyone? That’s not what I want to speak about anyway.

A long time ago, years ago, I used to be able to breathe in motivation. I would close my eyes, take a deep breath, envision all that I wanted to accomplish and all of the happiness I wanted to spread, I would exhale and my heart would beat faster and faster, each time generating more love for others and a grand love for the world. And then as I would open my eyes, everything would shift becoming clearer than before. Now come to think of it, I had an undeniable love, for what? I don’t know. There was so much hope… 

…………So what happened? Like hell if I know. However it’s 110% sure that, that undeniable love, is long long long gone! That part of me vanished without any courtesy warning and it has left me famished, angry, and hopeless. Perhaps too many failures can eat your soul away, deteriorating your spirit little by little? I want to be full of hope again so bad. And I just cannot find any root of motivation. I say I will do things and instead I sit there, wasting away, without taking any form of action. It’s a sickness. Fear. Anxiety. How is it that I am so messed up and I cannot find it within myself to strive for something greater? I don’t know. But oh boy, do I miss that love. Fucking reality is a pain in the ass. Forgive the language but it is the truth. So many things have gone to shit and I just have to find a way to straighten EVERYTHING, at least that of which I have control of.

QUESTION: Does anyone experience this? Or is it just some bullshit in my mind? Can you relate in any way?

Is this what depression feels like? Maybe I should go see a psychiatrist and get medicine prescribed. I’ll behappy elly 2.1: new and improved.” No, that isn’t going to solve anything. Maybe it will, temporarily, but it won’t get to the root of the problem.

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     So what the hell are you going to do? 

That is a good question I ask myself. I suppose there isn’t an easy fix and I probably wouldn’t take it either way because I am too stubborn. I’m going to take it day by day and that’s about the only thing I can do, right? Being numb to the world is just about the most tragic way you can be.. I admit though, that I have found some way to kick start my motivation and although I do not label it as healthy motivation, it is better than nothing. And this my friends is competing against those former high schoolers who each time I view any of their new updates, I roll my eyes and go “eeehhhhhh” haha. I know this is completely unhealthy as I mentioned before and I am aware it is a bad habit to form. 🙂  My misery brings a wicked side to my personality as well. Mwahaha.

And I want to have better days, if she can do that then I can do greater, If he can have that, I can have greater, IF SHE CAN GO TO THE GYM ONCE A WEEK, I CAN GO FIVE DAYS A WEEK, Oh you cooked that? Hell I can cook this top notch meal, have a taste of my awesomeness. I wouldn’t post everything I would do better on FB, that is annoying, instead I would celebrate amongst myself and with you guys of course. So why not? What do you think?

And that’ll be all for today. I have rambled too much. 🙂 I started this around  10:31 P.M. and it is now 12:54 A.M.

I also kept replaying “Sam’s town” by The Killers.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YfUSjEE5BLk

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Recap: Summer

I  guess I can say that the highlight of my summer was definitely going up to San Francisco to stay with my older brother for a week. I love the city and the variety of things. And it’s a plus being surrounded by water. This was just a time to clear my mind and grasp new ideas. I can see myself living there.. it is so much different than LA. The people are different, the weather is different , the whole atmosphere is different! Well maybe I was just  a bit too glad to be somewhere else hehe. But it is obvious that people up north are more environmentally aware than the folks here in LA, you just can’t hide that. If only LA was like that and acted more of a community than just every person out for themselves. Anyway loved San Francisco and it only gets me excited to travel and get a chance to see other places!

I did have a chance to move up north and live with my brother. However I didn’t do it because… my boyfriend is down here in LA with me. Not that we wouldn’t be able to manage but I think that our long distance relationship is at a handful already with just 70- 80 miles apart.  Of course … I know… “you should not miss opportunities just because of a so-called boyfriend.”  I know.  And I can’t help but to laugh at myself when I look at the things I’m doing. Its just so funny, the things people do when in love… you know you shouldn’t do them and yet you do.

Speaking of the boyfriend. I have a bunch of things I can complain about. But I’m choosing not to. I decided I’m not going to let little, meaningful things get to do. Why? So that I can feel sorry for myself? No no no! Even the doctor told me.. in a Chinese accent that you just can’t help but to smile at  “Worry less! you too young to have panic attack!  just have fun, enjoy the time being!” My doctor is right for once. Haha. This by the way was about a year ago I was just so stressed with family, going to school, trying to move out etc. I’m doing much better now at handling my stress.

By the way…. I went to the LA Zoo yesterday. It is rather cheap, only 14 bucks per adult. I went with my boyfriend. I told my older brother this earlier when he called to check in on me… and he just laughed. What is so funny about going to the zoo with your boyfriend? He says it’s just random.. like “hey what did you do this weekend? Oh I went to the zoo.. you?” I don’t get him haha I mean I guess it isn’t a usual thing to do with your boyfriend or girlfriend but… I mean I don’t see why not? Besides! It was fun… I especially enjoyed looking at the snow leopard! It was just so cute and cuddly! He enjoyed looking at the Komodo dragon. Asked me if I ever wanted to have one as a pet… haha! I said I rather have a white tiger as a pet… if that’s the direction you want to head towards to. It was a bit hot… but nothing you can’t handle.. oh and those polka dots.. or… dotted in.. I have no idea what its called. Ice cream in little bits basically was pretty damn sweet. I had the banana split favor. While ordering the guy mentioned he only had banana split, chocolate and cookies & cream. I don’t know where my mind was at but I told him “Umm let me have vanilla one.”  “We don’t have vanilla we only have…” and he proceeded to list the flavors available again.. once he finished I mindlessly said “Okay let me have the vanilla split” It took me a full minute to realize what I had just said and I couldn’t help but to feel embarrassed as looked at him and my boyfriend. “Vanilla split? Really…. I mean banana split” My boyfriend just laughed at me. I mean in my defense.. banana vanilla, vanilla banana, don’t they sound similar?? Anyone? But yes LA Zoo is definitely date approved… haha well at least for us.

And yeah I know I went a bit off topic.. but that’s just the way I like to ramble.   :]

Everything was great ..or so I thought

I feel as though by trusting people, I’m committing a fatal mistake. You would think that someone who loves you..would try their very best to not ever hurt you. At least that’s the way I am. That’s the way I thought it was. That’s the way I wish it was.

As much as I hate to realize, there are some people out there with delusional perceptions. People who say one thing and yet act another way. I confronted this person and all of the blame was immediately directed towards me. Not a sorry. Not one sense of guilt. Not even by seeing the look on my face… full of total disappointment. I’m not even sure of what’s worse anymore. The action itself… which devoured all of the remaining trust I had. Or the fact I actually wanted to believe in this person. Or in the reality that I actually believed.

Is life not about believing? Chasing something in which you believe. And I know failure is followed by the will to try again in hope of succeeding. But at what point is there a limit ..of changing ourselves to better our life in society. Shouldn’t people be themselves? Isn’t that what everyone is told? You’re too nice and you will get stepped on. You speak you’re mind and you’re a bitch. I’m a nice person. I like to believe that not all people are cruel, heartless, and selfish. I have some faith in humanity. I wear my heart on my sleeve.

Yet today, it seems as if being nice is actually a flaw. When all that blame was pointed towards me. Supposedly it was my fault for being nosy and actually going with my gut instinct. What I was told was “If you didn’t care about it, I wouldn’t do any of it. It’s when you tell me to not do it… that I actually get a thrill out of it.” What? I just love how all of the sudden it was my fault for actually caring. I can’t even comprehend the thought behind all of this. Who even is this person? Who am I becoming with this person?

I thought to myself… despite the hurt of it all, how much different is this with everyday life? Its as though we are expected to act a certain way to be accepted. Just how much of a different person does one have to become in order to succeed. And I know this may be speaking too broadly, but a person who succeeds has to compete with others and somewhere in their path..whether intentionally or on accident.. this person will screw people over just to get ahead. I suppose its only natural. But back to the issue. Here I am ultimately I can choose to forgive and obviously I would have to “not care” in order to succeed with this relationship. And then there is the other part of me.. which just screams stupidity.. how can I.. and why should I have to act a certain way just so that this person doesn’t do something which they should not be doing anyway. Are morals non existent to the world? Is there simply no right and wrong anymore? It just disgusts me what people think they have to put up with in order to work it out! It’s absurd and insane! And what is even more absurd is the fact that I’m actually questioning what I should do….. clearly when I already know what must be done. It’s just a sad thing how one easily can lose themselves. I can’t possibly love someone who can do this to me. It isn’t possible.

You lose respect. You lose trust. Without any of that a relationship isn’t possible. And people come and go. What causes most damage isn’t the person themselves but the emptiness you feel when all your dreams are shattered. All the “could have been” thoughts become more haunting than the actual dirty deed. And that emptiness slowly makes you lose a part of yourself each time… But whaddafux it! You only live once right? To feel pain as well as happiness is better than not feeling anything at all. Isn’t that the worst of all… to be numb to everything? As you can see I’m naturally optimistic. Flaw or not a flaw… who knows?